Time to revisit that dress-for-success thing?
RESEARCHERS at UCLA have determined that women tend to wear both fashionable clothes and sparkling jewelry when they’re, um, ovulating -- a fact that makes me wonder why I wasted my college science project designing electromagnetic chopsticks. This also suggests that UCLA has too much money to spend on research.
Other pending “research questions”:
1) The USC game is only a few weeks away. Why doesn’t UCLA ever win?
2) Whatever happened to Westwood Village? One day, a thriving entertainment mecca. The next? Well, it has a pretty cool FedEx Kinko’s.
3) Where were all these well-dressed ovulating women when I went to UCLA?
This crafty team of scientists carried out the study by signing up a bunch of cute college gals and snapping their pictures before, during and after their most fertile phases -- amazingly, without attracting the attention of the campus police, the girls’ fathers or the football team.
And to think, I used to hang out on Bruin Walk with a telephoto lens.
Researchers, of course, didn’t give these women details of the experiment. But thanks to the study, we now have evidence that women, when they’re most likely to conceive, choose really attractive outfits in a not-so-subtle attempt to snare a mate.
Data also show that those same women immediately switch to denim overalls and baggy shorts as soon as the baby arrives.
But enough about Heidi Klum.
I decided to take this study one step further. Does this same rationale apply to men, I wondered? Do hot, sexy, muscular guys make a special attempt to dress better during their fertile phases? Did I really just type that last sentence?
To that end, I took what very little I actually learned at UCLA and applied it to my own research project.
First off, I had to make a special attempt to catch men when they’re most fertile -- that time best described as “always.”
Unlike women, a man’s body feels no different during the fertile period, although his wallet can show signs of sudden and dramatic weight loss, especially if his ovulating date appears willing to drink flavored martinis after 1:30 a.m.
I did observe some behavioral changes. In L.A., for example, men seeking to start families might take the extreme step of putting on long pants. In very special cases, they actually look for work.
Then again, men will often ruin their mating outfit by wearing something lame like an old concert T-shirt. Really, nothing screams, “Hey there, Miss Estrogen -- let’s make a baby” like a shirtsleeve list of Aerosmith’s 1997 North American tour dates.
If only men had a “time of the month,” they’d probably remember to dress better. Plus, think of the entertainment value! Can you imagine, say, Dick Cheney feeling bloated and annoyed every 28 days? Well, yes, pretty easily, in fact.
Still, men apparently lack the internal signals that drive them to shave, shower, primp, dress up and otherwise preen for prospective mates.
Fertile males who lack the ability to dress themselves often fall back on other variables such as money and fame to attract women, which explains why Tom Leykis has four ex-wives.
My final research results: I found no correlation between well-dressed men and fertility.
On the other hand, women who wear sizzling outfits and expensive baubles have but one thing on their minds. Unless they’re in Westwood Village, in which case, they’re probably just out looking for a place to make copies.
