WRAP ME UP, I’M DONE

DEAR Spanx,

This letter is to inform you that my attorney will be contacting you shortly. Actually, I haven’t yet contacted my attorney because I need both hands to devour the 4 pounds of pistachios on my desk. But, eventually, I do plan to clear away these shells and then sue you for my addiction to your Slim Cognito body shaper.

Surely, I can’t be the only woman who has eaten like a triathlete ever since she discovered Spanx. At first, it didn’t even seem possible to gain weight while wearing your airtight modern-day girdle. If I can barely breathe, where will all that tapioca pudding even go?

You’re probably busy right now, fending off the latest competitors. The modern-day girdle business is exploding. Dr. Robert Rey, that unctuous plastic surgeon on TV’s “Dr. 90210,” just launched a line of shapewear that will mimic a tummy tuck or a butt lift. Then, there’s Skinny’z by Bordeaux and shapewear by Cass and Co., which boasts a higher nylon content than your brand and, hence, even more binding ability. Apparently, Scarlett Johansson and Reese Witherspoon are Cass fans.

Of course, you’ll always have Oprah. She loves Spanx. And imagine my delight when I recently heard that Gwyneth Paltrow wore two pairs of your Power Panties after she gave birth. Frankly, I can’t even imagine how that is physically possible. Even the material girl loves your tortuous material. Madonna’s stylists used your Spanx fabric to create costumes for her Live Earth concert performances.

Your latest look -- the High-Waisted Tight-End tights -- start just below the bra line and slim all the way down to the ankles. I also see that you offer Mid-Thigh Shapers for moms-to-be and Marry Me Spanx for brides. Have you ever considered a full-length, formal Spanx wedding dress? Think of all those brides who don’t eat on their big day because they’re sewn into their organza gowns. If they were Spanxed into their dresses . . . . Just a thought.

But with all of your market expansion, I can’t help but wonder how you overlooked dudes. Men have thighs too, you know. There’s a French company called Gerbe that just launched footless shaper stockings for guys. It’s probably not too late to debut a line of “Barely There Boxers” for men anxious about their middle-age midriffs. I might even trademark that one, the way you trademarked “VPL” as girlie code for visible panty lines.

Well, it’s almost lunchtime. I’m in the mood for a rack of lamb. And thanks to Spanx, I don’t have to skimp on the mint jelly. No matter how much weight I gain, you’ll always be there with a full-body stocking that can lull me into believing that I’m still svelte.

After dessert, I’m calling my attorney.

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Read Monica Corcoran’s daily blog on style and culture, All the Rage, at latimesblogs.latimes.com/alltherage/.