Neuheisel won’t risk sinking in this pool

I called football Coach Rick Neuheisel to see how far he has UCLA going in his bracket, and when he stopped laughing, he said, “I don’t even swim in pools anymore.”

A few years back Neuheisel ran amok with the University of Washington when officials learned he had participated in NCAA basketball tournament pools, wagering $6,400 over a two-year span, and winning $8,409.

“I’m forbidden to participate, and I’m absolutely complying,” he said. “Absolutely complying.

“The sad thing is, my wife gets so irritated when we put the games on, saying, you’re supporting something that tried to ruin our lives. How the heck can you watch that?”

Hard to ignore the NCAA basketball tournament when you’ve signed on to coach at UCLA.

“We were watching the game the other night, and my sons were covering the rim with their hands when Texas A&M; was shooting,” he said. “They take some of the credit for the win.”

Neuheisel, who took legal exception to being fired by Washington after his tournament wagers became public, later received a $4.5-million settlement from the school.

So you take the $8,409 he won the previous two years and throw in $4.5 million, and that would make him one of the top NCAA basketball tournament pool winners of all time.

“I’ll say this, I still have a sense of humor,” Neuheisel said, which was seriously being tested at the moment. “But I think if you read the fine print [in the settlement], that’s outside the purview of bracketology.”

THE OTHER day I found myself praising the Parking Lot Attendant, a shock to the system as you might imagine, but I’m so happy to report today it was just an isolated incident.

Frank McCourt and the Screaming Meanie, on the verge of doing something good, once again have mucked things up.

They offered reasonably priced tickets, free parking at Dodger Stadium with shuttle service to Saturday’s exhibition game with the Red Sox and the novelty/nostalgia of watching baseball played in the Coliseum.

A colleague tells me the field looks great, and if Larry Bowa, the Dodgers’ designated grump, thought it was a travesty to allow Billy Crystal to bat, wait until he sees the short screen in left. As circus acts go, it’ll be a batting practice hoot.

And whatever the outcome, all the net proceeds will be going to the McCourts’ charity, Think Cure.

So how could they mess it up?

AS YOU know, the McCourts have a fixation on attendance numbers, the Meanie talking ad nauseam about going over the 4-million mark in Dodger Stadium and well on her way with $2 Tuesdays until drunk fans started beating each other up.

If only they had the same kind of fixation on winning.

The McCourts say they will sell no more than 115,000 tickets in the Coliseum, which coincidentally is just how many they need to sell to set the world record for the largest baseball crowd, the Australian national team setting the mark in the 1956 Olympics.

I don’t know how many times my next-door neighbor has told me, “If only the McCourts can break that Australian record.”

Who cares how many people fill the Coliseum other than the people who have to line up to go to the bathroom?

On a bright note, maybe it’ll be like every other Dodgers game, the Dodgers announcing a crowd of 115,000 and only 25,000 sitting in the stadium.

The Dodgers could have cut ticket sales off at 90,000, everyone having a grand time without falling all over each other, but just how many people can you cram into a dump?

You tell me. I’ll be in Phoenix, as good luck would have it, watching UCLA, a game that really does count.

TO HELP pad the attendance, the Coliseum entrance has been moved back from the building. Fans sitting by the Olympic statues outside the Coliseum will now be considered inside for attendance purposes, and will be watching the game on big-screen TVs.

For those who have purchased standing-room-only tickets, this is no game to attend if you’re a shrimp.

“Traffic is my No. 1 concern,” said Pat Lynch, the Coliseum’s GM. “We’re looking at people who don’t always come to the Coliseum. USC fans know exactly where they’re going to park.

“Parking starts the day off, and if it starts off badly, then it puts fans in a bad frame of mind.”

The Coliseum, which has lost the public relations battle for an NFL team, could take another nasty hit if resources (food, parking, security and bathrooms) don’t meet the needs of so many people looking to relive old memories.

“I’ve never had a demand for a ticket as much as this one, and I’m talking about USC-Notre Dame games and Bruce Springsteen,” Lynch said. “Everyone has a story, and why this means something to them.”

Can’t wait to hear the stories to be told a day or two after Saturday’s game -- or whenever folks finally get home.

THE KIDS at Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA will again receive a $500 check from Robert Walker, the sports book director for MGM Mirage, who went 4-6 against Page 2 after matching NCAA brackets. I didn’t even have to cheat this year.

HE’S AN associate principal at Grimes High School in Iowa, loves the Dodgers, and every year Cary Justmann goes out of his way in Las Vegas at basketball tournament time to write out a check to the kids at Mattel.

I do almost the same thing every year in Las Vegas at basketball tournament time -- writing out a check to Mandalay Bay.

DAVID BECKHAM appeared Sunday on “60 Minutes.” Now I understand why the Galaxy doesn’t want to make him available for interviews.

That reminds me, Charlie McCarthy -- you know, Edgar Bergen’s dummy -- appeared on the screen behind a singing Elton John on Saturday night at Caesars Palace. I wonder if that was to make Posh, who was sitting a row behind us without David, feel at home.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.