The Monitor: ‘Hair Battle Spectacular’
Abraham begat Isaac, and Isaac begat Jacob, and Jacob begat Judas and his brethren. In this way, “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” has begotten “ Hair Battle Spectacular” (10 p.m. Tuesdays on Oxygen), a new reality competition featuring experimental hairstylists, as a platform for the irrepressible Derek J, who clearly has long had his eyes on a prize greater than being the hairpiece consultant to “Atlanta” housewife Kim Zolciak.
His first appearance on this show’s premiere episode is rendered dramatically, as the camera caresses him from head to toe, lingering at the toes, which are jammed into loud red pumps, as is his wont. The sleeveless olive green flight suit he’s matched them with is a nice touch.
Derek J is both mentor and chief judge on this show, which features battles between contestants who specialize in what’s called fantasy hair. Fantasy hair is less about hair styling than about arts and crafts and a talent for balance. Here, the head is merely the station upon which ornate, bizarre creations rest. Hairpieces and extensions are used, but so are Styrofoam, wire mesh, spray paint and anything else that amateur homebuilders might play around with.
“Fantasy hair is supposed to tell a story,” Derek J tells the contestants. “We should be able to look at your hairstyle and understand what you’re going for.” Which is to say, it should be as subtle as Floyd Mayweather Jr.
On this count, the contestants succeed. This is the sort of show where everyone has a nickname: Minista, Sexi Lexi, Malibu, J-Rok, Tsunami and so on. In their hairstyling, at least, they fancy themselves superheroes. (Not so much in their public speaking, though — when they introduce their hairstyles in the weekly challenge in a boxing ring, they look like the bottom rung of participants in a tragic casting call.)
Suffice it to say, many of the looks are outré — hair is teased mercilessly into poodle-like poufs or wrapped tightly around mesh molds. In the first challenge, one contestant traps a high-heeled shoe in her creation, and another attempts to fashion an oversized pair of headphones out of hairpieces and Styrofoam.
This week’s main challenge is to create a hairstyle inspired by a cocktail that can also house said cocktail. What makes for great television, though, might make for questionable fantasy hair. Tasked with re-creating a mojito, Valley Girl built a luscious floral tower with cups on top. But one of the cups leaked, creating a staggering rain-like effect: appropriately tropical, but not a hit with judges.
Hair competitions long predate this show, which appears to be stitched together on a shoestring budget, and they’re typically far rowdier. The most prominent are the Hair Wars competitions, which have already been documented in film (“Hot Irons”) and a book (“Hair Wars”), both of which are more entertaining than this show, which seeks to legitimize the art by subjecting it to the same rules of competition that fashion designers, interior designers, visual artists and any number of other creative types have already submitted to on other programs of this sort.
As for Derek J, ultimately the show’s raison d’être, he’s far more entertaining as the foil to the Atlanta “Housewives” than on his own. He hasn’t perfected the poker face required of a reality show mentor — he’s visibly perplexed when examining his charges’ work in its early stages, and his confusion is of the how-did-I-get-here variety. (Same with Brooke Burns, the host, who appears to be continually amazed that hosting this show is where her career has landed her.) And worse, he hasn’t perfected the viciousness that would make him a great reality show judge — odd, because on “The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” viciousness is his stock in trade. This show doesn’t give him anyone worth hating.
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