L.A. Affairs: We felt new and thrilling together. So why did he keep ghosting me?
At 5:11 p.m. on a Friday, my phone buzzed with a message from Matt. I was deep in work for my graduate program, and his text left me momentarily stunned. The same Matt who had ghosted me despite promising to call was now reaching out again. “Hey! Are you in OC still? I’m visiting Noah for the weekend and if you are, I was curious if you’d be game to meet up and have a long-awaited chit chat!!”
The day he ghosted me, Matt had told me, “I’m free to call you on Thursday. I’ll check my schedule and confirm tomorrow.”
He never did although his profile picture — Modigliani’s portrait of Jean Cocteau — consistently lingered under my Instagram Stories views. This ghosting, though familiar, felt particularly jarring.
Everything was going well with my new relationship. Then his ex-girlfriend returned. ‘I’m either the first choice or I’m not,’ I told him.
We had met on Instagram. We were both alumni of the same college. He had swiped up on one of my Instagram Stories: a snippet from an Andy Warhol interview with Joan Didion. “This is perfect, what is this from?” he asked. We texted back and forth about Didion, Southern California and the drought that had marked our teenage years. We bonded over the irony of leaving our hometowns only to return.
Despite our deep chats and daily texts about Scorsese movies, iconography and William T. Vollmann, our relationship remained undefined. I was still nursing the wounds of a spring breakup, and though Matt never asked me out, our rambling conversations were intoxicating. This was new and thrilling, especially compared to my most recent relationship, which had been stifling and lacked chemistry.
In the whirlwind of Southern California, where relationships in your 20s can feel as fleeting and unpredictable as traffic on the 405, Matt seemed like a refreshing anomaly. He had played college baseball, but insisted that his real passions were more aligned with Terrence Malick, Nietzsche and obscure indie bands.
However, it wasn’t long before Matt started ghosting me — often mid-conversation. After I hadn’t heard from him in three months, despite his consistent viewing of all my Stories, my friends urged me to cut ties. “I’ll buy you a chai if you finally remove his ass,” my friend Allie said jokingly. I did, and we laughed over drinks, celebrating the end of this particular chapter.
I had a strong urge to talk to guy in the next hospital bed, but that would be weird, right? I reminded myself we were in a hospital, not at a social event.
Matt requested to follow me again on Instagram many months later. One morning, while I was driving down to Long Beach, his name popped up on my locked screen. I accepted his request and followed him back, assuming that he would address his absence. He did not. I shot him a brief iMessage asking what was new. Our resulting exchange was friendly but shallow, and he vanished again, resurfacing a month later to swipe up on a Story about a band we both liked.
We started texting back and forth every day again, him professing that he had been directing his time and energy toward “love and becoming” and noting that he felt unable to dialogue deeply with others until “the energy paradigm has been met, ideally down to the quantum level.” Eventually, I asked him to call, and he agreed enthusiastically, stating that he admired me and chuckling that this had been “a long time coming.”
And in a story as old as time, he promised me that he would confirm and then he promptly proceeded to ghost me again. It was that weekend when I discovered he’d been dating someone. I felt uncomfortable, as I never would have been able to tell he was in a relationship. He had said nothing about a partner. I sent him a couple of voice messages expressing my discomfort.
He didn’t open my messages, and then, of course, reached out again on another platform, eager to plan dinner with me while he was back in town. I was in a Huntington Beach coffee shop on a Saturday morning, sipping a lavender latte, when he called to finalize plans. We arranged to walk after Mass, but he never responded to my message about timing (“it’s Novus Ordo, so what about 5:30?”).
After my partner’s death, I decided to start online dating. It’s been a nightmare. Just ask my friends who have heard all of my bad date stories with weird men.
The following morning, I ended our connection, telling him that he lacked follow-through and that it was astounding that he could wax poetic about so many things and yet treat me more like an abstract concept than a person with feelings — someone who wouldn’t be hurt because she was on the other side of the screen and couldn’t be touched. He didn’t reply. He just stopped following me on Instagram.
If that wasn’t enough, a girlfriend from college informed me that one of her close friends had a similar experience with him several years back.
Unfortunately, the line between “indie f—boy” and “man who shares my passions and interests” has proved to be incredibly thin.
As a graduate student in theology and library science, it can be challenging to find a guy who can sustain a meaningful conversation. But it was through Matt that I realized it can sometimes be worse when the guy is actually able to. Despite his insistence on portraying himself as a “creative” and “artist,” he was more invested in curating a persona than in maintaining a stable connection.
L.A. Affairs is a first-person column in the Los Angeles Times chronicling romance and relationships. We are looking for original essays. Here’s how to send us yours.
Sure, he called himself a co-founder of a filmmaking studio, but the artsy black-and-white photos of him smoking tobacco and staring off into the distance at the Getty made it clear that he was most interested in playing the role of the brooding and misunderstood artist — someone who enjoyed possessing me when it was comfortable for him, but had no real desire to reciprocate. I wasn’t his friend; I was the scene partner in his A24 movie.
As I told him in my final iMessage, effectively ending our on-and-off connection that had never culminated in a meetup, “I’m a person behind the screen, not a philosophy book, not an intellectual fantasy.” A man acting like the protagonist in a Cigarettes After Sex song, I told myself while deleting his contact information, isn’t going to be the great love of your life.
The author is a writer and graduate student living in the Greater Los Angeles area. She’s on Instagram: @julialouisemorrow
L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.
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