Apodaca: Balance between introvert and extrovert is key
Suddenly, introverts are in.
There’s been a surge of media attention given to introversion lately, most notably a Time magazine cover story and the best-selling book, “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking,” by Susan Cain.
It’s tempting to think that these works signal a long-in-coming awareness that the more demure among us have been given short shrift in a culture that adulates boldness and, well, loudness.
I suspect I’m not alone in my fascination with the topic. Like other parents, I’m acutely aware of the innate personality differences between my children, and have struggled with ways to nurture the very qualities that make them who they are, while also encouraging them to overcome issues that might hold them back.
Many parents of introverts, for example, know of the subtle, and not-so-subtle, classroom practices — so-called “participation points” are a case in point — that hold inherent advantages for students who are more comfortable speaking up. It’s not a big leap to suggest that even the most conscientious teachers cut more slack for the charmers in their classes.
I’m also reminded of a time when I volunteered to evaluate the presentations of some senior projects at Corona del Mar High School. I couldn’t help noticing that the parent-judges lavished more praise on the affable, gregarious students, whose projects were no better than those of their quieter counterparts.
We worry that our shy kids will struggle in the real world if they don’t learn to adapt. Who hasn’t attended a business meeting dominated by the extroverts in the room? Even in the world of journalism, which can be a rather solitary profession at times, I’ve noticed that those who are better at schmoozing tend to get ahead faster than those who simply do their work without calling attention to themselves.
But, in giving credit to “the forgotten rewards of sitting down and shutting up,” as Time puts it, are we simply excusing tendencies and behavior that need to be addressed, and in some cases altered, in order to become fulfilled and well-adjusted?
For the record, both Time and “Quiet” tell us that introversion isn’t the same as shyness. Introverts prefer to avoid overstimulating environments, they claim; shy people fear them. Whatever. It sounds to me like a distinction without much of a difference.
I also take note of the fact that both Cain and Time writer Bryan Walsh are self-described introverts, and have a tendency to protest a bit too much about the virtues of their kind while implicitly denigrating those loud-mouthy extroverts: Introverts are deep thinkers! Gandhi was one of us! So is Bill Gates! Look how well they turned out!
Extroverts, by contrast, are too often presented as glib, superficial risk-takers. A sample statement from Cain, for instance, is that “there’s zero correlation between the gift of gab and good ideas.”
Both pieces also risk perpetuating the oversimplification of complex personality traits; despite the authors’ pains to address these complexities, the labels of extrovert and introvert tend to stick like glue once affixed. Even the description of the great middle in which many people exist — yes, there’s a word for these folks, they’re ambiverts — seems to gloss over a more nuanced understanding of personality differences.
Salvatore Maddi, a Harvard-educated professor of psychology and social behavior, who teaches at UC Irvine, said that attempts to defend or even glorify introversion threaten to obscure the point that “what’s ideal is neither introversion or extroversion. The ideal is a balance.”
Maddi, who coauthored the book “Resilience at Work: How to Succeed No Matter What Life Throws at You” with UCI lecturer Deborah Khoshaba, is a proponent of developing what he calls “hardiness.” That is, the more people develop certain coping skills and attitudes to deal with stress and change, the happier and more successful they’ll be.
The idea that we should strive to strike an appropriate balance makes perfect sense. Yet I can’t help feeling some sympathy for Cain and Walsh, and their crowing about the unsung virtues of introverts.
Though none in my family fits easily into stereotypical categories, it’s clear that my husband and younger son are more outgoing and genuinely comfortable in a crowd.
My older son, however, often found social situations difficult when he was younger, and would sometimes confuse teachers with his faraway gaze. I found it frustrating sometimes when others didn’t understand that he really was listening and contemplating the subject at hand.
But, as Maddi purports, people can adopt attitudes and skills that allow them to thrive in a world that greatly values interaction. Today, my son is a happy, highly social 21-year-old. He still likes his alone time to think, read and write. But he seems to have found a balance that works for him.
As for me, I guess I’m an ambivert, though I think the label makes me sound like some kind of reptile. When I took Cain’s handy 20-question quiz to find out how I rank on the introvert-extrovert continuum, I scored right smack in the middle.
Yet I noticed that I felt more certain about my answers that identified with introversion. And, come to think of it, I’d much rather curl up with a good book or an episode of “Downton Abbey” than to go to a party.
Then again, maybe that just means I’m getting old.
PATRICE APODACA is a Newport-Mesa public school parent and former Los Angeles Times staff writer. She is also a regular contributor to Orange Coast magazine. She lives in Newport Beach.
