Josh Shapiro or Tim Walz: Who gets the rose?

Vice President Kamala Harris waves during a campaign rally

Aug. 6, 2024 3 AM PT

Hello and happy Tuesday. There are 90 days until the election and Kamala Harris has promised to announce Tuesday which white dude will be her running mate, doling out the honor with all the drama of the Bachelorette passing out a stay-or-go rose.

But first, folks, the bear. I can’t stop thinking about the baby bear.

So you’re driving along a mountain road in New York and you see a lump of black fur, the carcass of what only minutes ago was a cute little cub. Do you:

a) Think to yourself, what a tragedy; or
b) Pull over and pop that score in the trunk because you’d like to skin it and eat it?

If you are presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr, that’s a no-brainer, which is a good thing since a worm ate part of his brain.

You grab that tasty snack/throw rug before someone else does.

I am, of course, referencing the bonkers video RFK Jr. put out Sunday night during which he bizarrely recounts to MAGA comedian Roseanne Barr an anecdote that the New Yorker magazine was getting ready to publish — and which is weirder than just picking up roadkill.

Kennedy claims that after loading the baby bear into his trunk in 2014, he spent the day hunting with falcons, then hightailed it into New York City for a dinner party. The bash went late — making it impossible to take Baby Bear home before catching a flight out of town.

Solution: He left the bear in Central Park, under an old bicycle, apparently thinking it would be “amusing for whoever found it.”

Yeah, super funny. When walkers found the cub, flies buzzing around the now-rotting flesh, it turned into a police investigation that included a taxpayer-funded autopsy. And the whole thing freaked people out and became a big media story.

As one bystander put it to a television interviewer, “If you can do that to an animal, why not to a human being?”

Kennedy never came forward until the New Yorker dug up the story and Kennedy decided to social-media explain it himself, which always goes well. Meanwhile, his running mate, Silicon Valley dilettante Nicole Shanahan, spends her time ranting about raw milk.

Folks, this toxic ticket needs to drop out of the race. We should not lose our democracy because a pair of narcissistic socialites has the money to coerce our attention. Yet Kennedy/Shanahan could theoretically pull just enough votes in swing states like Pennsylvania to do just that.

Kennedy’s antics may sound like a punchline, but his campaign could be the sucker punch that decides the election.

Get to the veep already

OK, enough with the bear. Today is all about who Harris will choose as her veep. By Monday night, rampant gossip had it down to two top contenders: Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro and Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz.

She’s promised to social-media out her decision later Tuesday, then hold a rally in Pennsylvania with her new No. 2 on Tuesday night.

The No. 1 takeaway here is that Gavin Newsom is now wondering if Domino’s is hiring, because he ain’t running for president anytime soon. Granted, things looked bleak after Harris got the call-up, but now there’s more likable white dudes lined up in front of him than weekend cowboys at a Zach Bryan concert.

Your day will likely be spent with speculation about which veep candidate can pull swing state votes, complete with polls and pundit predictions. I’ve got none of that, because honestly JD Vance is such a disaster that Harris could choose Baby Bear and still do better.

Instead, I’m going to tell you non-important things about Shapiro or Walz that are interesting but likely irrelevant — and for fun, what the Republicans will be saying about the one who is picked.

First up: Shapiro

Like Harris, Shapiro is a former state attorney general, and he has known her for more than a decade. He backed Harris in her 2019 presidential bid. He also backed Obama in 2016 — going against the Hillary winds. The two men have maintained a relationship.

So much so, some contend, that Shapiro even sounds like the former president with his distinctive cadence. The Daily Show roused Shapiro about the similarities, as has Vance. And it is true — once you hear it, you can’t unhear it.

But Shapiro comes with some baggage. Most notably, progressives don’t love him — and are lobbying Harris against him. There’s more than one reason for that, but lately it’s been focused on Israel. Shapiro is Jewish (and would be the first Jewish vice president) and has spoken out against what he sees as antisemitism on college campuses during the Gaza protests.

He’s also said he’s for a two-state solution. But emotion is (rightfully) so high around the conflict in Gaza — with protesters expected at the upcoming Democratic National Convention — that picking Shapiro has the potential to upset some young voters and Muslim voters in swing states such as Michigan.

Shapiro is also not a favorite of labor. This week, United Auto Workers President Shawn Fain said Shapiro wasn’t on his short list because Shapiro supported school vouchers — allowing taxpayer money to go to private schools.

Most salaciously, true crime folks have some questions for Shapiro. While he was A.G., his office reviewed a notorious case of a schoolteacher, Ellen Greenberg, who allegedly committed suicide by stabbing herself 20 times, including in the back. Greenberg’s parents have fought since her 2011 death to have it classified as a homicide, and recently won an important ruling that allows them to take that cause to the state Supreme Court.

While there is absolutely no evidence to support the insinuation that Shapiro did anything wrong in the Greenberg investigation, you can bet the rent money that the Trump-Vance team will bring it up if he’s chosen.

Next up: Walz

Honestly, if you can find dirt on Walz, please let me know.

This guy. He’s pure Minnesota, in the best way. He was in the National Guard for 24 years. He coached football. He was a social studies teacher who advised his high school’s first LGBTQ+ club.

Since then, he’s been a champion for LGBTQ+ rights, in a part of the country where there’s often little political capital for doing so.

He has signed laws protecting gender-affirming healthcare. He’s stopped book banning for containing gender issues. He’s protected abortion rights. He’s banned so-called conversion therapy, the controversial practice of attempting to un-gay people through religion or other methods.

Perhaps most notably, he’s the guy who started the “weird” framing of Vance — and Republicans in general. That bit of low-key genius has stuck, completely changing the dynamics of the race by putting Republicans on the defensive. A few days ago, Trump got all playground-hurt, saying, “Nobody’s ever called me weird. I’m a lot of things, but weird I’m not.”

Perhaps most endearing, he posts videos with his daughter Hope that are pure dad. They’ve got some real Fargo humor going. (Yes, I know that’s North Dakota. Close enough.)

And, as a bonus, if a Harris-Walz ticket won, Walz’s lieutenant governor, Peggy Flanagan, would become the first Native American governor in American history.

Who knows what Harris will do? There are also other candidates — Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg, Arizona Sen. Mark Kelly — on the list of contenders.

But yeah, I’m a Walz-i-maniac.