Column: ‘Tampon Tim’ is a litmus test for American men

Hello and happy Thursday. There are 88 days until the election and today we’re talking vaginas.

You may be aware that approximately 50% of the planet has one. You may also be aware that approximately 49.56% of the remaining population is freaked out by talking about them, including, seemingly, 100% of MAGA men.

Combine that with the anti-transgender manic-panic currently covering the Trump world like blue eyeshadow on a drag queen, and it is little surprise to learn that new vice presidential candidate Tim Walz has been branded “Tampon Tim” by the far right.

We know MAGA is obsessed with determining what makes a woman a woman.

But underneath that hoo-ha hysteria is their real question, the anxious quandary that seems to drive their anger and fear as society changes around them.

What makes a man a man?

Let’s break that down — the why, the whatever and the what it really means.

Kamala Harris and Tim Walz at their first rally together Tuesday in Philadelphia.

(Joe Lamberti / Associated Press)

The Why

Women menstruate. Girls do, too. Even girls who go to school. Sometimes these girls forget to take tampons or pads, and find themselves in the embarrassing and uncomfortable situation of bleeding through clothing.

In recent years, the absurdity of not making it easy to get basic sanitary products to half of the country has dawned on legislators across America — even conservative Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, who in 2023 signed a bill making the Lone Star State the 25th in the nation to eliminate the “pink tax,” or sales tax on period products.

It’s a legislative push that’s been around since about 2015 for “menstrual equity,” a dream that has eluded women since cave days.

The logic is that if half the people on the planet are doing it, but also are penalized for it, that’s lame — harming women’s health, well-being and opportunities.

The push for equity includes making period products available at no cost in settings such as jails, prisons and homeless shelters — and schools — where people may not have money or access.

It also includes cutting the cost for all women, as Abbott’s law did, because these necessary products ain’t cheap.

So it is hardly radical or “leftist” for governments to consider price and availability of menstrual products, and maybe even make them as easy to get as an AK-47.

Donald Trump himself signed on to such an effort — the First Step Act in 2018 — that put free products in federal prisons.

But Walz also signed a bill that went into effect this year that ensures there are free period products in all school bathrooms used by menstruating-aged kids.

And here we go, because that could include boys bathrooms — for transgender kids.

The Whatever

The amount of transgender apoplexy coming from the far-right is astounding — and troubling.

And that insanity is where “Tampon Tim” originates, an attempt to make Walz seem both predatory and dangerous to kids, when if fact he is the opposite.

“‘Tampon Tim’ is hands down the best political nickname ever. It’s so … savagely effective,” wrote political commentator Liz Wheeler on social media. She’s the author of “Hide Your Children: Exposing the Marxists Behind the Attack on America’s Kids.”

“In one word tells you EVERYTHING you need to know about Tim Walz’s dangerous radicalism,” Wheeler continued — never mind that Tampon Tim is two words. Math is hard.

“He put tampons in men’s bathrooms! He’ll trans kids. He took away parental rights. He’s woke & creepy.”

He’ll “trans kids?” What does that even mean?

Like boys are going to see tampons and suddenly want to be girls? Um, OK, whatever. For real, no one is trying to “trans” anyone.

“Tampon Tim” is not the burn you think it is.

The What it Means

In fact, I’m thinking “Tampon Tim” might be something to be proud of — like he’s a guy whose comfortable enough in his own skin to be OK with vajayjays and their many abilities and functions.

And this goes to the heart of MAGA’s war on women — and the continuing resistance of women and others who can see past the coochie and realize we are all human, regardless of parts.

Remember the resistance? The Women’s Marches that filled the streets during Trump’s first term with people in pink hats? Cat ladies, the lot of them.

All of them outraged by Trump’s hate-spewing presidency and his “grab them by the pussy” remark.

Since then, it’s been the battle of the feline females (in spirit if not gender) against an angry version of MAGA manhood that scorns any incarnation of womanhood that doesn’t involve having kids and baking biscuits — and is constantly trying to grab us by the privates in one way or another.

And then along comes Walz, with another possibility for American men, another way to resist that doesn’t just involve being an ally. A way to fight back that is entirely male: strength with kindness; protection with compassion; equality with respect.

Walz isn’t twisted up in knots, lashing out at our evolving understanding of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

He’s a girl-dad who changed his position on guns after his daughter, Hope, asked him to reconsider — a guy who not only listens to women speak, but hears them.

And is willing to fight for that vision of family, that vision of country.

Or as Illinois Gov. J.B. Pritzker put it on Twitter, “When he becomes the VP, @Tim_Walz and I plan to organize other Dads to go around with us door to door to ask all the kids who left the lights on.”

Meanwhile, Vance tweeted a photo of himself with a bro-cession of guys marching away from Trump’s airplane Wednesday, with the message, “This Entourage reboot is going to be awesome.”

That’s a reference to the now extremely passé and retrograde HBO show, last filmed in 2011, about a bunch of Hollywood dudes convinced of their own importance, and enamored of their own narcissism.

When asked Wednesday by a reporter what made him happy, what made him smile, Vance seemed at a loss.

“I smile at a lot of things, including bogus questions from the media, man,” he responded. “I actually am having a good time out here and I’m enjoying this, but look, sometimes you got to take the good with the bad and right now I am angry.”

Ultimately, “Tampon Tim” isn’t about women or even transgender kids.

It’s about which of those visions, which of these men, represent American manhood.

What else you should be reading

The must-read: Tim Walz’s extraordinarily ordinary life
The Uh-oh : It’s Elon Musk’s X and governments are having to live with it
The L.A. Times special: Why Steve Martin declined Lorne Michaels’ offer to play Tim Walz on “SNL”

P.S. The “Entourage” photo. Judge for yourself.

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