A WORD, PLEASE:Commas, clauses and sentences

Sex. Now that I have your attention I’d like to discuss the fact that this sentence you’re reading is not necessarily a run-on sentence because run-on sentences are not simply sentences that run on and on but instead are a specific type of rambling sentence in which punctuation that should be separating two or more independent clauses is omitted as is any conjunction that could otherwise link the two independent — OK. That’s enough of that. I’m putting myself to sleep.

Moving on. There are actually several ways to create brain-numbingly long and bad sentences. One is through the run-on sentence, which I’ll explain more fully in just a moment. Another is through the famed “comma splice.” More on that is coming up as well. But a third way to induce comatose brainwave patterns in your reader is just by making your sentences really, really unnecessarily long. (Note: Most of you should consider this to be cautionary advice. Those aspiring for careers in government or law can consider this a how-to.)

Neither my “Associated Press Stylebook” nor my “Chicago Manual of Style” contains an entry for run-on sentences. Neither does the “Oxford English Grammar,” “Fowler’s Modern English Usage,” “Usage and Abusage” or “The Careful Writer.” I suspect there’s a lesson in that — that perhaps good grammar and usage have less to do with labeling mistakes and more to do with trying to fully understand the mechanics of language.

Still, it can’t hurt to know what all the fuss is about. Luckily, some sources offer guidance. “Garner’s Modern American Usage” and a number of websites all offer clear guidance on the run-on sentence, as well as the comma splice. But my favorite wording is in “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Grammar and Style,” which says, “A run-on sentence is two incorrectly joined independent clauses. A comma splice is a run-on with a comma where the two independent clauses run together.”

So here’s a run-on sentence: “It was a beautiful day they wanted to go to the beach.” This sentence has two clauses. Think of a clause as a subject and a verb. And in this sentence both clauses are fully independent, meaning they could stand on their own as sentences. “It was a beautiful day” and “they wanted to go to the beach” are sentences on their own accord that should probably be respected as such.

Of course, you can put two independent clauses in the same sentence — if you know how. Basically, there are two ways to keep independent clauses in the same sentence while remaining grammatical. One of which you’ve probably already guessed: Use a conjunction, most notably “and.”

“It was a beautiful day and they wanted to go to the beach.” What was once a run-on sentence is now perfectly grammatical, through the addition of one little word.

A less-popular method is to use a semicolon. In fact, aside from managing unwieldy lists, this is the semicolon’s main job — joining independent clauses.

“It was a beautiful day; they wanted to go to the beach.”

But style experts will tell you that shorter sentences are often a lot more reader-friendly. So consider that option first.

The comma splice is really just a run-on sentence with a comma inserted where the conjunction or the semicolon should be. “It was a beautiful day, they wanted to go to the beach.” Simply put, that’s not what commas are supposed to do.

So if you ever want to string together a sentence long enough to take the wind out of Ella Fitzgerald, just string them together with conjunctions or semicolons. Then the only thing to stop you from writing a sentence like the one above is good old-fashioned common sense.