WHAT’S UP? -- steve smith

How pathetic is the college football scene for USC and UCLA fans? Let’s

put it this way: If this season were a local restaurant, it would be

Windows on the Bay -- lots of potential but underachieving. The Taco Bell

across the street from (pick a Newport-Mesa high school) is cleaning up

compared to our eatery.

And how sad is it that the Bruins, recent spoilers in their game against

Washington, and the Trojans, recent strugglers against (insert any team

here), are banking on a victory today to salvage the season.

With 4-6 records, both teams have no bowl prospects and only pride to win

in the annual cross-town rivalry.

For USC Coach Paul Hackett, a win may mean salvaging his job, too,

although major Trojan fan Paul Brosche believes Hackett’s job is safe.

Still, I can’t recall a season when the game meant so much yet meant so

little.

Still, it’s the Big Game and for those of you who don’t quite understand

what the fuss is all about, here’s an explanation: The Trojans and Bruins

don’t like each other. Oh, you won’t get anyone to admit it, but it’s

true.

Most of the time, we walk around acting gentlemanly and saying all the

right things, but we don’t mean a word of it. The fact is that these

polar opposite schools of higher learning despise each other so much that

jobs have been lost, fortunes gambled away and marriages dissolved over

loyalties to the two institutions.

So intense is this dislike that the Bruins and Trojans have resorted to

some desperate tactics in order to get the other’s goat. In the past, a

USC icon, a statue on campus nicknamed “Tommy Trojan,” has been smeared

by stealthy Bruins with nearly every substance known to man and his sword

has been stolen and held for ransom. Heavy plastic wrap and 24-hour

guards posted near game day have solved that problem.

Then there were the legendary card tricks, with every game full of the

potential of national embarrassment should the Bruins flip their cards to

show “USC.” (Say, whatever happened to card stunts? In fact, whatever

happened to good, old college pranks of any kind? Let’s face it, there

are no more phone booths to stuff football players into and if you try to

set a record for swallowing the most goldfish, you’ll suffer the wrath of

some animal-rights organization.)

The subject of demeaning behavior brings to mind an activity that is an

annual ritual. It’s called the “friendly wager.” This used to be called a

“bet,” but upon reading of the crackdown on the alleged activities at The

Alley restaurant, I’m hesitant to be so specific. The last thing I want

is to be hauled away in leg irons minutes before kickoff.

This year, the ante has been upped. While my old friendly wager with my

Bruin friend Melo Amoroso has been a six-pack, I have been prompted to

participate in an affair that is a little more dicey.

This year, the Daily Pilot has arranged for Fred Martin, still a powerful

Bruin presence despite his relocation, and I to extol the virtues of the

rival school should we lose the game.

It also should be noted that I once again may feel the barbs of my

esteemed Daily Pilot colleague, Joe Bell, for not watching the game on

television. Because I don’t watch television, I was busy cleaning our

carpets during last year’s game, which I listened to on headphones.

This year, I thought I’d let Joe know that I have to make some minor

repairs to the backyard spa. Had I been of sound mind the last few weeks,

I already would have fixed the spa so that I could watch the Big Game

while I was soaking in the spa, not sweating under the sun repairing it.

The Bruins and Trojans may disagree on many things, but we are united in

the belief that regardless of these matching team records, dismal as they

are, anything can happen. Although USC is favored by six points, it

doesn’t mean a thing. But then again, I don’t care about the point spread

because I don’t bet. I make “friendly wagers,” and you can be darn sure I

won’t make them in Newport Beach.

* STEVE SMITH is a Costa Mesa resident and freelance writer. Replies can

be sent to the Daily Pilot at (949) 642-6086 or by e-mail to o7

dailypilot@latimes.comf7 or o7 stsmth19@idt.netf7 . The loser’s

column will appear in Tuesday’s edition.