PETER BUFFA -- Comments & Curiosities

I tried. Really I did. Don’t go near the Elian Gonzalez story, I told

myself. It’s volatile, it’s bizarre and, God knows, it’s enough.

The only thing missing is a 24-hour cable news channel: “Elian TV -- All

Elian, All the Time. Tonight on E.T. -- “Janet and Fidel: More than Just

Friends?”

Don’t do it, I muttered. All you’re going to do is make people mad. Good

advice.

I almost took it. Though the flesh is willing, the mind is weak.

What pushed me over the edge were the calls for congressional hearings --

most of them from Republicans, some from Democrats.

Perfect. More congressional hearings. And if we get really lucky, another

special prosecutor. No matter how long it takes or how much it costs, we

will get to the bottom of this, even though no one is sure what “this”

is.

Relax, America. Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) and Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Pa.)

are on the case, to say nothing of one of the most impressive figures to

ever serve in the Congress of these United States -- Sen. Bob Smith, a

Republican from New Hampshire. I have had my heroes in Washington over

the years, but Smith is fast rising to the top of the leader board.

Having electrified America with his presidential bid last year, Smith was

appointed by the Office of Bob Smith to be the congressional champion of

the celebrated “Miami relatives.”

If you recall, Smith’s presidential campaign was much like everything

else he does -- strange and short. Smith entered the race as a

Republican, registered as an Independent about an hour and a half later,

dropped out about a day after that, then returned to the Senate and

re-registered as a Republican.

The zenith of Smith’s Senate career was in 1995, when he led a one-man

campaign to bar the elephants in a visiting circus from the Capitol

grounds.

Apparently, the rest of the circus was OK, but the elephants were a bad

thing. Don’t ask. Smith gave an impassioned speech that lasted almost an

hour, at times in tears, repeatedly referring to a photograph of an

elephant which had been shot 100 times. The decedent pachyderm was not

connected to the circus, and the relationship between the two was never

fully explained. I said don’t ask.

Thus, to veteran Bob boosters, it was no surprise to see Senator Bob

standing tall and proud with the Miami relatives at their Saturday press

conference, condemning the forcible removal of Elian in the predawn

hours.

Just what is the connection between a senator from New Hampshire and a

family of Cuban Americans from Miami’s Little Havana? I’ve told you twice

about asking. Don’t make me tell you again. Never one to disappoint,

Smith had moist eyes and struggled to hold back the tears as he made his

remarks.

Bob did not win the Mondo Bizarro Award that day, however. It went to

Elian’s Miami cousin, Marisleysis Gonzalez, who held up the picture of

Elian and his father, which had been taken earlier that day, and insisted

the photo had been doctored.

She said she had cut Elian’s hair just days before and his hair could not

have grown to the length shown in the picture. Clearly, the picture was a

fake. Yeah, clearly, unless you’re from this planet.

In the days that followed, Sen. Smith led the Miami relatives on their

daily attempts to gain entry to Andrews Air Force Base in search of

Elian. Obviously, the Miami relatives didn’t realize that Bob Smith has

trouble getting dinner reservations in Washington, let alone access to

military installations.

Nevertheless, if history is any guide, congressional hearings there will

be grinding away for days on end, generating great heat and little light.

There will be much speechifying by senators and members of Congress,

outraged by those who would politicize the boy’s predicament, insisting

that their only interest is “... what’s best for Elian.”

If you think Elian’s cousin Marisleysis has been weepy up to now, just

wait until she settles in at the microphone at a congressional hearing.

Remember Paul Sorvino watching his daughter, Mira, accept her Oscar?

He’ll look like RoboCop by the time Marisleysis is through.

Look, I promise, I’ll believe everything everyone says. Every word of it.

But couldn’t they please, please, just call a giant press conference and

save us the money?

Don’t get me wrong. There are serious issues to be considered here. But

if we’ve learned anything in recent years, it’s that congressional

hearings and special prosecutors couldn’t find their tushes with both

hands in a house of mirrors.

There have been 21 special prosecutors appointed since the independent

counsel law was passed in 1978. Do you know how much we’ve spent on this

nonsense in the 1990s alone? More than $100 million, that’s how much. One

hundred million dollars is a lot of money. You could almost pay for the

Measure F campaign with that.

How about the Whitewater/Monica/Whatever investigation? Fifty million

dollars, and climbing.

Answer me this. Exactly what else do you need to know about Monica

Lewinsky? Well you better think of something, because the Office of the

Special Prosecutor is still spending hundreds of thousands of dollars of

your money every month foraging for more on Monica.

In Washington, there’s a shorter version of “It ain’t over ‘til it’s

over.” It’s called, “It ain’t over, ever.”

Finally, one more lesson in how nothing in a major news story is what you

think it is.

A lot of people wondered why the fisherman who first rescued Elian at

sea, Donato Dalrymple, was in the Gonzalez home in the middle of the

night -- to say nothing of the bedroom closet.

It turns out that Dalrymple’s fishing career was even shorter than a Bob

Smith campaign. Dalrymple is, in fact, a housecleaner who had never been

fishing before that fateful Thanksgiving Day. The boat belonged to his

cousin, Sam Ciancio. Dalrymple was just along for the ride while Ciancio

fished.

Dalrymple has since decided that being with the Gonzalez family is his

destiny, and he is considering running for office in Miami.

Good luck, Elian. By the time everyone is done caring only about what’s

best for you, you’ll need it.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Fridays. He

can be reached via e-mail at o7 PtrB4@aol.comf7 .