STEVE SMITH -- What’s up?

I thought last week that I was writing about some disgusting beaches in

Newport and how important it was for everyone in the county to find the

source of the water pollution and stop it.

But thanks to one local resident, I realize now that my foil for the

pollution column, the new “intelligence-challenged” parking meters are

really “what’s up” in Newport Beach.

The meters, as you may recall, cannot be fed for more than an hour. Try

to put in more coins and you’ll simply be making a contribution to the

city coffers without the benefit of meter time. And when you pull out of

your space with time left on the meter, it resets itself back to zero.

I’ve never liked the idea of parking meters -- it’s like paying to go

shopping -- but these new meters are a hoot. They were installed at the

urging of some merchants who were desperate to increase the parking

turnover.

It seems that the parking fine for an empty meter is $34, which I am sure

is calculated to exceed the daily parking rate at a nearby public parking

lot by precisely $1.

Last Tuesday, resident Gay Wassall-Kelly phoned to let me know that Larry

Marino, host of radio talk station KIEV 870-AM’s “Marino in the Morning”

(6 to 9 a.m., Monday through Friday) wasn’t taking the meters lightly. On

his Monday program, Marino informed viewers of these silly machines and

advocated a boycott of Balboa in response to their installation.

I can’t blame Marino or anyone else who decides to stay away. Not only is

the pre-summer timing really bad, but the P.R. spin on the meters was

horrible. Couldn’t even one spin doctor come up with a better reason for

planting these no-arm bandits than increasing foot traffic to local

businesses?

This is the kind of twisted logic reminiscent of the strategy concocted

by the toll road people a couple of years ago. Ridership was far below

estimates so they raised their prices. Sheer brilliance.

I caught up with Marino last Wednesday and asked him for his take. “These

aren’t ‘smart’ meters,’ said Marino. “These are really ‘mean’ meters. Why

doesn’t Newport Beach just pass a law allowing them to turn people upside

down and shake the loose change out of them?”

Actually, that was their first idea. But then City Council members

realized that they’d have to cite themselves for littering, so the idea

was shelved in favor of the mean meters.

In an effort to promote more retail sales and increase the city’s

revenues, I thought this would be a good time to offer some other

suggestions I’ve been kicking around for ways the city can pull in more

dough:

1. The end appears to be near for the Speedway at the fairgrounds in

Costa Mesa, so let’s move it over to Fashion Island. Fashion Island has a

big, round track and a conveniently located coffee store from which fans

can grab a latte before each race.

2. Why stop with cars? Install “smart” meters on the boat slips.

3. Why stop with boats? How about stroller meters? Those monstrosities

are getting as big as Suburbans, and more annoying. It’s time they

carried their own weight on the city sidewalks.

4. Since El Toro is finally dead and buried, let’s get it over with.

Drain the Back Bay, slab it and move John Wayne Airport there. That way,

the planes would fly only over a few homes in Newport Beach and skip all

of the East Side of Costa Mesa. “El Back Bay Airport” has a nice ring to

it.

5. Forget the Speedway idea. Newport already has one with free admission

along Irvine Avenue. Too many people have forgotten that the speed limit

there is 35 mph and that a teenager died on the road not so long ago.

6. Sell out to a corporate sponsor. Staples Center is already a household

name and Edison Field is a hit with kids, so why not tie in a product

with the city? Newport Beach could become Home Depot Newport Beach. Or

perhaps the City Council could approach the folks at a famous cleaning

products company and tell them that for the right figure, they’ll add one

letter to their name and become Newport Clorox Bleach.

Wassall-Kelly had the best idea yet: “Why not just put a gate at one end

of Balboa and charge admission?”

Now that’s thinking outside the box.

* STEVE SMITH is a Costa Mesa resident and freelance writer. He can be

reached via e-mail at o7 stsmth19@idt.netf7 , or call our Readers

Hotline at (949) 642-6086.