Irrelevant Week: A tour around the greens with Green

Richard Dunn

NEWPORT BEACH - Mr. Irrelevant XXV, Mike Green, missed the ball

entirely on the first golf swing of his life Friday at Newport Beach Golf

Course in the Runnin’ Gunnin’ Golf Tournament.

But, from his second swing on (naturally, he got a mulligan on the first

hole), the 22-year-old native of Ruston, La. displayed some impressive

golf shots while showing he could have a bright future on the NFL

celebrity golf circuit.

Not to mention a destiny in the NFL.

The 6-foot, 189-pound safety from Division I-AA Northwestern State (La.),

who has blazing speed, won “best hitter” awards in college and has

demonstrated an uncanny ability to block punts and field goals, could

actually remain a long time with the Chicago Bears, who selected Green

254th with the lucky last pick in the 2000 NFL draft.

I gladly helped caddie for Mr. Irrelevant by telling him what his putter

was for on the first green, and that the superintendent would greatly

appreciate it if he didn’t pull his cart across the green.

“Just follow me today, and leave your cart next to mine at every

greenside,” I told Green, who had never, ever played golf before.

Green, who borrowed (coincidentally) a green golf bag, was fun,

good-natured and a quick learner. Those attributes can only help him when

the Bears’ training camp starts next month.

After Mr. Irrelevant got a timely massage at the eighth tee, courtesy of

a masseuse sponsored by the Huntington Beach Kiwanis Club, we arrived at

No. 9, where Green really started to make his mark in our group, which,

at times, numbered as many as six hackers (media entourage included).

Green’s tee shot at No. 9 provided our “fore”-some with the “best drive”

in the Texas Scramble format, then his beautiful chip onto the green set

up an easy par putt.

“In football,” Green whispered to his girlfriend, Shala Hunter, at the

edge of the green, “we call that getting off.”

Hunter, seemingly hip to Green’s manner of wisdom, responded: “Well, I

think it’s beginner’s luck.”

“It’s skills, honey, really, not luck,” Mr. Irrelevant concluded.

Anyway, back on the golf course, Green made par on No. 13, sinking a putt

with a stroke resembling a hockey slap shot. We didn’t need to give Mr.

Irrelevant any pointers, because his swing off the tee, despite an

awkward appearance, had better results than most in our group.

Asked what his “thought process is” while standing over the ball at the

tee, the green Green replied: “I’m not thinking about anything. I just

think about hitting the flag.”

(Some folks pay big bucks to see a golf psychologist, who will actually

tell you the exact same thing.)

Green said he doesn’t think about his swing. “No, I’m just trying to use

the right amount of power in relation to the flag.”

How does the saying go about keeping things simple?

On hole No. 15, Mr. Irrelevant drained a par putt from six feet,

solidifying his spot as the Champion Golf Underdog in the world’s

greatest underdog celebration.

Mr. Irrelevant, who clearly has outstanding athletic ability and

excellent hand/eye coordination, said he can’t wait to “really get good”

on the golf course and, someday, join the NFL’s alumni tour.

When asked if they actually spotted any beer cans floating in the water

Thursday night during the Beercan Regatta at the Balboa Yacht Club,

Hunter said: “Yeah, I saw one. But it was Mike’s. He dropped his can in

the water.”

On the regatta, she added: “I didn’t know what was happening or what was

going on. They said we were winning, but it looked to me like we were

losing.”

Friday morning on the links, Hunter spent a lot of time conversing with

Sports Illustrated’s Franz Lidz, who flew out from his home in

Pennsylvania to spend the week in Newport Beach covering the silver

anniversary Irrelevant Week. Lidz’s last trip to Newport Beach, about

four years ago, was for “an expose on Leigh Steinberg.”

During his stay in Newport, Mr. Irrelevant XXV was a great ambassador for

his school and the Bears, while serving as a noble honoree to the annual

weeklong madcap spirit rally that raises money for the Orange County

Chapter of Disabled Sports USA.

Mr. Irrelevant’s favorite restaurant during his stay? Newport Rib

Company. In-N-Out Burger was a close second. “I had one of those as soon

as we got off the plane,” Green said.

On our group’s last hole, No. 2, Hunter whacked her orange ball onto the

green, less than 10 feet from the flag to merit group closest-to-the-pin

honors.

Mr. Irrelevant’s parting shot after our round. “I learned a little about

golf today ... (I learned) not to try to smash the ball when I’m trying

to make par.”

For a football player from Louisiana who has never before picked up the

sticks, I love this guy’s thinking.

Friday’s winning group included Ed Fox and Bob Johnson, as well as Roy

Rai and Phil Kunish. They each won a golf bag. Quipped Rai: “It’s the

same golf bag I just bought three weeks ago.”

Mr. Irrelevant capped his visit by dragging the infield during Friday

night’s Angel game against Minnesota in the middle of the fifth inning,

an Irrelevant Week tradition.