PETER BUFFA -- Comments & Curiosities

They’re everywhere. Millions of them. But rarely seen. They have fangs

and feelers and hairy legs. It’s horrible.

Telemarketers? Politicians? You’re being silly. I’ll give you a hint.

What do you get when you mix a little boy, a summer afternoon and a

magnifying glass?

Fire ants!

Anyway, the little beasts are back. They never left, really. They’re

just multiplying. The real action in the fire ant biz is way down south,

from San Juan Capistrano inland. But there have been some sightings in

Newport Beach, mostly near the Back Bay.

Ever seen a fire ant? Neither have I. Isn’t that odd? The critters

that make the biggest news -- killer bees and fire ants -- are the

hardest to find.

Even warm and fuzzy things, like the renowned California gnatcatcher

are elusive. Most of us wouldn’t know a gnatcatcher if it flew in the

window, landed on our nose, leaned forward and said, “Got gnats?”

But apparently once you become a stop on the fire ant tour, you’ll

know it. Fire ants have a distinctive red color and a nasty sting. In

rare cases, with highly allergic people, multiple stings can be deadly.

Also, fire ant mounds are much bigger and taller then your basic ant

mound.

As reported this week in the Los Angeles Times, the Orange County Fire

Ant Authority -- yes, there is one -- has drafted a new battle plan

against the little bugs. Isn’t that weird? The only thing that separates

the Orange County Fire Ant Authority and the Orange County Fire Authority

is one “ant.”

When the problem first arose in 1999, the OCFAA -- not to be confused

with the OCFA -- advised fire ant combatants to spray the mounds with

store-bought pesticides or pour boiling water on them, which sounds a

little medieval to me. If Torquemada had fire ants, I suspect that’s how

he’d do it, but it’s a little primitive for Newport Beach in the year

2000 in my opinion.

Anyway, after a year of spraying them with smelly stuff and boiling

their little tushes, the results are in. It can now be said, with

confidence, that there are a whole lot more fire ants now than there were

last year.

According to OCFFA spokesman Mike Hearst, “One colony can fragment

into 12, and those colonies will rebuild very quickly. Part of rebuilding

yourself is breeding.”

Now you see, there’s a real difference between people and ants. Maybe

having boiling water poured on you is an aphrodisiac for ants. But if

you’re a person, I think it takes all the romance out of it. At any rate,

on to Plan B.

All right, people, settle down and listen up. These are your orders

and they come straight from the top. Effective immediately, there is to

be no more spraying, stomping or boiling. If you’ve got ants and they are

fiery, OCFAA will treat your outdoor areas at no charge and destroy the

beasts with commercial chemicals.

If your perimeter has been compromised and the enemy is inside the

house, call a commercial exterminator. OCFAA doesn’t do windows and it

doesn’t do interiors. That is all for now.

OK, fine. But how do you really know if what you have are fire ants or

just ants? You go to the official OCFAA Web site, that’s how: I have

learned so much about ants. I’m telling you, everything you have ever

wanted to know about fire ants, plus a little bit more, is there for the

taking. My favorite part, by far, is the “Fire Ant Pest Test.”

Ready? Here it is:

“In order to know if you have fire ants, Orange County residents can

perform a simple test. On a warm day, place a potato chip (an ideal bait

for fire ants) at 25 feet intervals throughout your property, wait three

to four hours, then look for any reddish brown ants feeding on the chips.

If you find similar ants feeding on the potato chips, the Fire Ant

Authority wants you to send in a sample. Ants found on the potato chips

are easily removed by dabbing them with the tip of a cotton swab

saturated with liquid fabric or dishwashing detergent. The detergent

quickly kills the ants and preserves them for testing. Place the cotton

swab with the ants (six to 10 ants are desirable) in a Ziplock bag. Place

the bag in freezer for 15 minutes to ensure all ants are dead. Fill out

the Fire Ant Sample Submission Form, place the form and ant sample in an

envelope, and mail to: Orange County Fire Ant Authority, P.O. Box 59,

Santa Ana, CA 92702. You will be notified of the ant identification

results by an automated phone message.”

Could it be any simpler? I think not. “Hel ... lo. This is ... the ...

O-C-F-A-A ant i-den-ti-fi-ca-tion u ... nit. Your test re ... sults are

... pos-i-tive. Than ... k you.

First, I’m thrilled to learn that dishwashing liquid kills ants on

contact and preserves them for eternity. Could someone explain exactly

why that is before I grab the next clean glass from the dishwasher?

But let’s review. You wait for a hot day. Then you sneak out in the

yard with a large bag of Doritos under one arm, some Cascade Liquid under

the other, and a few Q-Tips in your mouth. You place the chips around the

yard at intervals of 25 feet, go pass out in the recliner for three to

four hours, then look for any reddish brown ants feeding on the chips. If

there are any ants chomping on the Doritos, you zap them with the

Cascade. When they stagger backward, grab their little throats and keel

over, you carefully pick up six to 10 ants on a Q-Tip, pop the whole deal

in a Ziplock bag and put it in the freezer. Wait 15 minutes, then put the

bag on the kitchen counter. Make sure nobody’s moving. Then head for the

post office. Hmm.

Isn’t there a simpler way to do this? Couldn’t you just call the OCFAA

-- it’s (800) 491-1899 by the way -- and have them drop by to check out

your ants? I guess not.

Anyway, keep a sharp eye. They are on the march, they are legion, and

nothing will stop them. Except a little Cascade Liquid.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column is published

Fridays. He may be reached by e-mail at o7 PtrB4@aol.comf7 .