PETER BUFFA -- Comments & Curiosities

Finally. My favorite time of year.

Autumn? True. But in this case, the Darwin Awards are what I’m talking

about.

The Darwin Awards, as you may know, have become an annual tradition of

honoring those who were sent hurtling through the door to eternity by

feats of mind-boggling stupidity -- either by their own hand or those of

another.

The question of who can legitimately claim the coveted title of

“Darwin Award recipient,” which is always bestowed posthumously, is

getting fuzzy as competing sources publish their own lists of Darwin

winners.

Be that as it may, each and every nominee is a fascinating study of

Darwinism in action. Being the slowest runner on the Neanderthal team was

one way of winnowing the gene pool, but today, not being the sharpest

knife in the evolutionary drawer works just as well.

And so, here they are for your consideration. The names have been

deleted or changed, but the stories are real:

* A San Jose man who had been stalking his ex-girlfriend confronted

her in a parking lot armed with a shotgun. Terrified, the woman ran to

her car and managed to get inside and lock the doors. Enraged, the man

tried repeatedly to smash the windshield with his shotgun, which

discharged, killing him instantly. There may not be a lot of justice in

this world, but if you can find your way to San Jose, you’ll find a

little of it there.

* A mechanic in Alamo, Mich., was working on a local farmer’s flatbed

truck, which was making a loud noise at high speeds. The farmer had tried

to find the cause of the noise himself, but failed. Being an experienced

automotive diagnostician, the mechanic had a plan. While a friend drove

the truck down a highway, the mechanic hung from the suspension

underneath so he could detect the source of the troublesome noise up

close and personal. Unfortunately, his sleeve met the drive shaft up

close and personal, and the drive shaft won.

* A 47-year-old man in Newton, N.C., accidentally shot himself to

death in the middle of the night. A ringing telephone on a night stand

beside the bed roused him from a deep sleep. He never got the call,

however, because he was also in the habit of keeping a loaded .38

revolver on the very same night stand. While fumbling with the handgun in

his half-awake state, a bad thing happened, allowing him to claim his

place in Darwin Awards history.

* The man from Newton actually had to share his award in the “weapons

expert” category with a young man from Dunkirk, Ind. The Hoosier claimed

his award in his parents’ rural home while firing a prized .54-caliber

muzzleloader from the family’s antique gun collection. According to

investigators, the gun had misfired and the young man was checking the

barrel to make sure it was clear. Gun barrels are long and dark and hard

to see inside (you’d know that if you were a gun expert), which is

exactly why the young man decided to use a cigarette lighter to shed some

light on the problem. If you think oil and water don’t mix, try black

powder and an open flame.

* In Bucharest, a Romanian soccer star and his girlfriend wanted some,

um, quiet time together. As in most of the former Soviet bloc, one

apartment can provide shelter for many people, which makes it very tough

to find a good place to have quiet time. The athlete and his beloved

chose to slip away to the garage, wherein his car was stored. Because 50

degrees is a heat wave in Romania, the couple thought that letting the

car idle, and the heater heat, while they enjoyed each other’s, um,

company was a good idea.

It was not. After a thorough investigation by the Romanian police,

their chief investigator, Col. Dumitru Secrieru announced the official

findings: “They appeared to be unaware of the dangers of carbon

monoxide.”

I’m just a layman, Colonel, but I would have to agree.

* Now something from our neighbors to the north. There was an attorney

-- we’ll call him Bill -- with a major firm in Toronto. Bill was very

proud of the firm’s offices, which were on the 24th floor of a downtown

Toronto high-rise. With the city’s severe winters, shattered windows in

high-rises were frightening, but not uncommon. Refusing to believe that

no one does anything about the weather, the firm had special windows

installed that could withstand the worst fury of any winter’s day. They

were so safe that Bill had a very impressive routine he loved to perform

for new employees. Without warning, he would hurl himself against the

floor-to-ceiling window in his office to prove their remarkable strength.

During a visit by local law students, Bill set out to impress them

with his legendary demonstration. It did not go well. According to the

Toronto police, Bill crashed through the window, falling 24 stories into

the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank. Clearly, it was a field trip

the visiting law students will not forget. The firm’s managing partner

said that everyone was devastated and that Bill was “one of our best and

brightest.” If that’s true, I’d love to meet the rest of the partners.

This list is by no means complete, but I hope you’ll agree that we all

owe the Darwin Award winners a collective debt we can never repay. Sad as

it is, it may well be true that the sole purpose of some peoples’ lives

is to serve as an example to others.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Fridays.

He can be reached via e-mail at o7 PtrB4@aol.comf7 .