PETER BUFFA -- Comments & Curiosities
So how was it? Perfect, I’m sure. A glorious bird, shimmering golden
brown. A stunning holiday table. Family and friends in perfect harmony,
everyone in their Sunday best, children perfectly behaved, a Norman
Rockwell scene come to life.
OK, maybe not. Get over it.
Here’s the important thing: we’re halfway through. Two down, two to
go. Halloween, T-Day: done. Christmas/Hanukkah (your call) and New
Year’s: coming and coming fast.
How can this be? I don’t get it. Wasn’t it August just last week?
Labor Day was Monday. Wasn’t it? I just don’t understand. I feel like a
Florida voter.
Let me really depress you. There are 30 shopping days left until
you-know-what. Why do people still say “shopping days,” by the way?
Granted, there was a time -- long, long ago -- when stores were rarely
open after dark or, heaven forbid, on Sundays. Today, it doesn’t matter
if it’s 3 a.m. on Thursday -- if you can imagine it, someone is selling
it within a few miles of wherever you are. If it’s a day, it’s a shopping
day. Agreed? Thank you.
Where were we? Ah yes, the holidays.
I used to think holiday decorations were the most reliable indicator
for someone who had misplaced his or her calendar. Now, I think it’s
supermarkets -- which is exactly where I was on Tuesday last. The moment
you walk through the door, Mrs. Cubbison is in your face like a dachshund
on its third latte. There was a column of stuffing boxes (regular and
seasoned) that had to be 15 feet high. If the cans of pumpkin pie filling
had toppled, you’d have to call in paramedics from four cities.
Where does egg nog go the rest of the year? For 335 days, it’s gone,
poof! Doesn’t exist. Thanksgiving week? Bam. Egg nog at every turn -- in
cartons, cans and powdered mix. Is it illegal to sell or consume egg nog
between Jan. 1 and Nov. 20? I don’t get it.
Even as we speak or read or whatever it is we do, I guarantee you the
twin towers of stuffing and pumpkin filling are now surrounded by 6-foot
berms of candy canes, Kisses and M&Ms; in red and green. Marshmallows? You
could plug a major break in Hoover Dam with the marshmallow piles in one
Vons.
Speaking of holiday fare, on this day-after-T-Day, do you know what
the most popular turkey leftover meal is? Sandwiches, by far.
Do you know why you can never starve in the desert? Because of all the
sandwiches there. Sorry. I’ve been telling that joke since I was 8. I
still laugh. No one else does. I don’t care.
Anyway, it’s sandwiches first, then soup, then casseroles, then
salads.
According to the Guinness Book, the biggest turkey ever dressed,
stuffed and roasted in a conventional oven was 86 pounds. That’s big. It
happened at the annual “Heaviest Turkey” competition in London, on Dec.
12, 1989. I’m not sure what’s more bizarre. An 86-pound turkey, or the
fact that people actually gather once a year to see who’s got the
heaviest bird.
According to the National Turkey Federation (yes, there is one),
turkey farmers in the U.S. raise about 275 million turkeys a year. That’s
a lot. About 90 million of those make the ultimate sacrifice during
holidays -- 45 million at Thanksgiving, 25 million at Christmas and 20
million at Easter. More than 90% of Americans surveyed by the federation
eat turkey at Thanksgiving.
With all due respect, I don’t believe that. The great majority of
Americans prefer white meat to dark, while Europeans are just the
reverse. I must admit, I am a “dark” person. There, I said it. I don’t
know why. I just am.
The average bird is about 70% white meat and less than 30% dark meat.
Fine. See if I care. The preferred weight for a holiday turkey is 15
pounds. That surprises me. I thought it would be more like 20 pounds. One
really does learn something every day, doesn’t one?
Then there is that whole issue of “turkey as sedative.” The
traditional, full-on, all-hands-on-deck turkey dinner is interesting, no?
It takes 14 hours to prepare and about 30 minutes to eat. Especially
pleasing to the hostess-slash-preparer is the speed at which most guests,
and all males, are stretched out on floors and draped on furniture in a
semiconscious state like a pride of lions in the shade at high noon.
In recent years, some experts have suggested that fresh turkey
contains a number of sleep-inducing substances. That’s an unfounded,
mean-spirited and possibly un-American lie, according to the Turkey
Federation.
Apparently, high doses of carbohydrates produce something called
“tryptophan” in the brain, which do indeed induce sleep. Need we
calculate how many carbs are in the traditional turkey dinner? I didn’t
think so. So the villain is the trimmings. Lay off the bird. It’s
innocent.
When Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin pulled up a rock and sat down to
eat the first meal on the moon, their foil packets were brimming with
turkey and all the trimmings.
The average mature turkey has about 3,500 feathers. How many feathers
did that 86-pound beast in London have? One can only imagine. Dyed turkey
feathers are the most common feathers used for Native American costumes.
Finally, and perhaps most significant, Big Bird’s painfully yellow
costume is made from turkey feathers.
Can you get this kind of information anywhere else? Nowhere that I
know. You needn’t thank me. It is my job. So stay calm, reject stress.
We’re halfway there. To December -- and beyond.
I gotta go.
* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Fridays.
He can be reached via e-mail at o7 PtrB4@aol.comf7 .
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