PETER BUFFA -- COMMENTS AND CURIOSITIES

It had to happen sooner or later, and later finally got here. “I’ll

make him an offer he can’t refuse,” said Michael Corleone, and someone

has done the same for me. It’s a opportunity that I simply cannot refuse

at my advanced age, and one that will take me back to that dreaded Right

Coast from whence I came.

It will also take me away from these pages and from annoying you with

intolerably bad jokes week after week, but think what a relief that will

be! I have had a good long run here and everyone has been much, much

nicer to me than I deserve -- editors, readers, everyone.

I want to thank each and every one of you who have stuck with me all

these years as loyal readers. I also want to thank everyone at the Daily

Pilot, all of whom have been wonderful to work with.

And lastly, I want to thank a fellow named Greg, whom most of you

don’t know. He passed away a while ago, but just before he did, he

invented a thing called the “Gregorian Calendar,” which split the year

into 12 months, the fourth of which was April and the first day of which

is set aside to say silly things like “April Fools!!”

OK, so did I have you or not? I’m dying to know. You won’t hurt my

feelings. Just tell me. I tried to make it as sappy as possible and threw

in a bunch of meaningless details to distract you. I figured the fast

learners would catch on as soon as they got to “Gregorian calendar,” and

it would be all over by the time we got to “April and the first day of

which. . . .”

But enough equinox humor. Where does this April Fools nonsense come

from anyway? I’m glad you asked. Because if it’s useless information

you’re after, this is, as you know, the mother lode. With the “spring

forward, fall back” behind us -- you did remember, didn’t you? -- it is

time once again for the April Fools Whirlwind World Tour.

As you may recall, it all started with my friend Greg -- that’s Pope

Gregory to you -- who developed the Gregorian calendar we use today.

Under that old, silly, obsolete Julian calendar, April 1st marked the

start of the new year. But when Gregory said, “Listen up, people. January

1st is now New Year’s Day. Pass it on,” some folks, as always, didn’t

get the word.

They continued to celebrate New Year’s Day on April 1st, wild parties

and all. Their neighbors treated them shabbily, sending them on wild

goose chases, or making up stories about terrible things happening next

door or in the next village. “April Fools!” the neighbors would shout at

them, in a rude, mean-spirited tone, dripping with contempt.

All right, maybe it wasn’t that bad, but I always liked the way

“dripping with contempt” sounds.

But, as per usual, there are a lot of other theories you can choose

from. Some people think it started as an early British celebration to

mark the doomed mission of the crow who was sent out to find land from

Noah’s ark. I’m not sure why that’s funny, but I never got “Fawlty

Towers” either.

While we’re still in the U.K., April Fools is a two-day affair in

Scotland. Setting up the practical joke is called “hunting the gowk” and

the victim thereof is called the “gowk,” which, as if you didn’t know, is

slang for “cuckoo” -- the symbol of a fool for the Scots. Day two is

called “Taily Day” and the pranks all revolve around the part you sit on

-- slipping things beneath your tush as you sit down, sticking “kick me”

signs on people, etc., etc. Stop, please -- yer killin’ me wit’ this

stuff.

Other historians think it started as one more celebration of the

Vernal Equinox, such as the Roman end-of-winter holiday called “Hilaria”

-- and yes, that’s where the word comes from. You gotta love those

Romans. Pick a day, any day, and they’d think up some excuse to throw a

rager. I’m sure those Roman winters were brutal.

Over the years, most cultures have developed their own way of carrying

on the loopy April Fools tradition. On April 1, French schoolchildren go

to great lengths to secretly tape a paper fish on their friends’ backs.

When the victim discovers the trick, everyone yells “Poisson d’Avril!”

which means, “Poison Advil.” No it doesn’t. I made that up. It means

“April Fish.” One kid gets stuck with the paper fish, everyone else

screams “Poisson d’Avril!” Get it? I guess you had to be there.

In some countries, the ultimate April Fools gag is to invite people

over and serve a sumptuous dinner backward -- dessert, main course,

salad, appetizers, etc. Could there be anything funnier than that? I

don’t see how. I know whenever someone slips a chocolate mousse in front

of me, then a London broil, a salad, then fried calamari -- I just laugh

and laugh.

There are all also a lot of folksy references to April Fools, like

this one from The Old Farmer’s Almanac: “If it thunders on All Fools Day,

expect good crops of corn and hay.” Oh, sure, I get it. If you hear

thunder on April 1st, the crops you harvest five months later will be

bell ringers. Who wouldn’t know that? Of course, these were the same

people who thought bleeding a sick person with leeches was a good thing.

So that, in a nutshell, is the story of April Fools Day. Not the most

important day of the year, but definitely one of the goofiest. It’s still

early, so you have plenty of time. Just sneak up on someone and scream

“Poison Advil” at them as loud as you can. They’ll laugh and laugh.

Promise. Works every time. In France anyway. I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays.

He may be reached via e-mail at PtrB4@aol.com.