UNCLE DON’S VIEWS OF NIL REPUTE

There are a couple of flicks out there that pontificate on the

problems of drugs. Both of them have aging stars, aging starlets, way too

much dialogue and lots of money behind their production. One received

lots of Oscar nominations; the other couldn’t find a prize in a packet of

Cracker Jacks.

In both, the good and bad guys eat more lead than a tenement full of

toddlers.

Having suffered through absolutely awful “Traffic” a few weeks ago, I

figured “Exit Wounds” couldn’t scrape any lower than that on the

cinematic food chain. Fortunately I was right.

While the words “bad,” “Steven Seagal” and “movie” all usually run

together as a penultimate oxymoron, “Exit Wounds,” like that movie Seagal

made about the battleship, really wasn’t too shabby. As long as he and

his yap-happy co-actors kept their mouths shut.

Seagal has lost his ponytail, but picked up a chin or two as he plays

a modern day Dirty Harry with more ammo. Rewarded for saving the vice

president by a demotion to some dirt bag precinct, Seagal’s required to

attend some 12-step group for rage-o-holics where he, as one who beats

suspects with cats, can associate with upstanding citizens who toss dogs

out of windows. And meet Tom Arnold, playing a sleazy journalist (aren’t

they all) with a mustache the Frito Bandito would find ridiculous.

As a great no-brainer with plenty of naked women and gratuitous

violence, “Exit Wounds” falls down when these chowderheads open their

mouths. From these orifices is expectorated dialogue such as this

sequence: “The walls have ears.” “I know everything.” “So, why am I

here?” “I don’t have time for this.” Culminating with “I know what I’m

doing.” Bring on the Pukelitzer.

Sure, the acting and screenplay in this “d-oh” brainer stink so much

that one feels like lighting a box full of matches, but my standards are

exceptionally low, my expectations lower still. “Exit Wounds” exceeded

them both.

Seagal doesn’t do much except grunt, glare, and grimace. There are a

few “Matrix” style special effects to go with the huge chunk of his

action scenes shot in shadow. Yo dude, you’re an action hero, dump some

avoirdupois. You’ve got more rolls than a donut shop. Or a Ford Explorer.

From the get-go in the opening scene where a shootout leaves enough

dead bodies lying around to deplete the chalk supply of the Detroit

(where the action is taking place) Police Department to the ending

shootout where the blase locals figure that all of the bullets whizzing,

cars crashing and bodies flying are indicative of just another typical

Saturday night in the Motor City, “Exit Wounds” fits the bill for those

who remain intractably and terminally shallow, vacant, and immature.

*

“Exit Wounds” is rated R.

*

* UNCLE DON reviews b-movies and cheesy musical acts for the Daily

Pilot. He may be reached by e-mail at ReallyBadWriting@aol.com