RETAIL ROUNDUP

As we sit here, we’re staring at the cover page of a fax, transfixed

by the line: “To: Retail Roundup.”

Somebody likes us, somebody really likes us.

We’re not concerned that it originates from Houston, or that we have

no idea what Vollmer is. We’re just going to enjoy actually receiving a

piece of mail. Though not by mail.

On further examination, it turns out Vollmer must be the public

relations people for Denny’s, which has launched a “kids eat free”

program to encourage “families to eat together.”

We thought that was what the TV is for.

Apparently, Denny’s will offer as many as two free children’s entrees

with the purchase of one adult meal. It’s good all week, from 4 to 10

p.m., for those parents who like to keep their kids up past bedtime.

Vollmer is also kind enough to point out that “industry research”

shows that “restaurant parties with kids under 18 continue to show a

higher rate of growth, year over year, than adult-only parties.”

Is that a good use of research?

We scream, you scream

The other piece of big news this week comes from the Good Humor Man,

whom we’re only old enough to remember as, vaguely, “the Good Humor Man.”

We’re not entirely sure our memory is what it used to be, either.

What were we talking about? Oh, right. This good news is that Good

Humor-Breyers plans to expand distribution of all its natural ice cream

nationwide this spring. It contains three times the usual calcium, which

the company claims “is particularly suited for women and teenage girls.”

We are disappointed the release didn’t come with a color slide, which

is available on request.