JOSEPH N. BELL -- The Bell Curve

I know spring officially arrived this week because:

* I put on a pair of shorts for the first time since October;

* Tim Salmon’s batting average is considerably less than the new price

of a cup of coffee at Anaheim Stadium. (No calls, please, about the

proper name being Edison Field. As long as a part of my light bill is

going to support that name, it will be Anaheim Stadium to me. Also no

ticky tacky calls from Edison pointing out that the stadium is named for

Edison International and not just the electric company);

* That former staple of spring, the Costa Mesa Fish Fry, is in the

news, along with my insurance agent, Mike Scheafer, who is having a bad

year, what with his resignation from the parks commission over the

skateboard park and now his involvement as a Lions Club official with the

confusion over where to hold the annual Fish Fry.

I attended the Fish Fry once because it reminded me of the street fair

that was the high point of my summers in Columbia City, Ind. But I

haven’t been back because I don’t eat fish. I don’t even like to smell

fish. But it’s evident from the mail the Pilot has been receiving that a

lot of local people are pretty upset about the demise of the Fish Fry. So

I called Mike Scheafer to find out why it is so hard to fry a fish in

public these days. And to offer my backyard as a site for the event, even

though I don’t belong to the Lions Club or eat fish.

I caught Mike somewhere between bemused, frustrated and irritated. All

three showed up when he explained to me why it’s so hard to fry a public

fish.

By far the biggest hitch, he said, is the carnival that accompanies

the Fish Fry. The intent of the event is to raise money for the Lions

Club to distribute to worthy community projects. The proceeds -- between

$50,000 and $60,000 -- come entirely from the carnival. Without the

carnival income, the Fish Fry would lose money and thus defeat its own

purpose.

The carnival, however, has certain built-in problems. Because it

requires about a week ahead of time to set up, it wouldn’t be wise to mix

carny workers with students on a school property. And because carnival

schedules are firmed up many months in advance, it is much too late to

get a new date this year. That’s why Mike would like to correct the

suggestion in the Pilot that the Fish Fry will take place later this

summer. It won’t.

His frustration grows out of the roadblocks that bar access to the

places where the Fish Fry could happen. “Lions Park is the obvious

place,” Mike said. “We were told it wasn’t available because of ongoing

construction work and parking problems. Neither one should have stopped

it. A great many of the people who enjoy the Fish Fry can and do walk to

it. And we could have worked around the construction.

“We offered to hire a security force to make sure no one wandered into

the construction area, but that was rejected by the city’s Special Events

Commission. No public official spoke up against this decision. Throughout

this whole matter, we’ve been baffled by the City Council’s silence.

Especially our mayor. Where is she on this issue?”

I suspect we’ll find out May 7, when Mike plans to bring the Fish Fry

to the attention of the City Council. Meanwhile, my offer of our backyard

is still on the table -- providing, of course, that my wife agrees;

* I got two Great Park brochures in one week. This probably has

nothing to do with spring except for those bucolic stock photographs of

people taking the spring sun in various other parks. They garnish

publications, awash in PR money and appearing with increasing frequency,

that feed the El Toro airport hysteria of the South County folks. One of

these mailers told me that 1,884 (I love those precise numbers) of my

Newport Beach neighbors support the Great Park. I would like a definition

of “neighbors” and an independent audit. There weren’t that many votes

for Ralph Nader in my “neighborhood.”

I didn’t return the questionnaire that accompanied the last brochure.

It asked me to rate my priorities for the use of the El Toro Marine base,

but an airport wasn’t one of the choices offered. I’m sure this was

inadvertent, because Irvine stoutly insists on objectivity in its

surveys. But I’ll have to admit that I was afraid they would throw out my

entry if I listed “airport” under “other”;

* Finally, we have the recurring springtime fantasy of Santa Ana

Heights being swallowed up in Newport Beach. Twenty springtimes ago, I

used to discuss the same likelihood over lunch with Don Strauss when he

was mayor of Newport Beach. It was imminent then. We are told it is

imminent now. And I suspect it will still be imminent when the Angels

make it to the World Series -- which is another recurring spring fantasy

that appeals to me even more than annexation.

* JOSEPH N. BELL is a resident of Santa Ana Heights. His column

appears Thursdays.