PETER BUFFA -- Comments & Curiosities
“Father.” Just one word, but so many meanings. Let us count them all.
“Father” means a love to warm us and a strength to protect us. It means a
quiet love that asks nothing in return. “Father” means -- it means this
is making me nauseous. Yak. Was that sappy enough? OK, let’s get busy.
Whose idea was this anyway?
Historically, that’s easy. Nearly a century of bad ties and the wrong
cologne can be attributed to a woman named Sonora Smart Dodd of Spokane,
Wash. On a sunny Mother’s Day morn in 1909, Smarty was at church,
listening to a sermon about mothers and the importance thereof.
The Mother’s Day thing was only a few years old, having been started
by a Philadelphia woman named Anna M. Jarvis in 1907, in honor of her
mother, Anna Reese Jarvis -- why did these people have so many names? --
who crossed over in May of 1905.
Grab your bags, Edith, it’s back to Spokane. As Sonora the Smart
listened to that fateful Mother’s Day sermon, she became exceedingly
bummed -- and not just because her mother had passed away when she was a
little girl. Smarty had been raised by her father, Henry Jackson Smart
(again with the names) whom she worshiped.
It bothered her that there was a Day of the Mom, but not a Day of the
Dad. Ergo (Latin for “therefore”), since Hank’s birthday was in June,
Smarty organized a community “Father’s Celebration” on June 19, 1910.
People liked it. They liked it a lot. It grew like Topsy. In 1924,
Calvin Coolidge -- a profoundly humorless person -- proclaimed the third
Sunday in June “Father’s Day.” By the way, in those days, wearing roses
was a big deal for both men and women on Father’s Day. Red for living
dads and white for dads who were, well, not living.
So much for history. On to reality.
Let’s be honest. Mothers are what make the world go ‘round and
Mother’s Day is a major league big deal, as well it should be. Father’s
Day is very nice, but it’s an also-ran, a runner-up, a familial
footnote, the Boston Red Sox of “days.”
Father’s Day exists for one reason and one reason only -- the very
same reason that Sonora Smart Dodd, silly name and all, started the whole
thing -- sheer, unmitigated guilt.
On the Day of the Mom, everybody goes ga-ga with flowers and brunches
and gifts, yadda, yadda, yadda. A few days later, they slap their
foreheads and say “Uh oh. What about the old man? Oh yeah, there’s that
thing in June.”
Fine. We can deal with that. Not a problem. Real men don’t whine, even
when something is totally unfair and hurts our feelings, especially after
everything we’ve done and nobody even says thank you the other 364 days
of the year.
Don’t give it a second thought, really.
As a dues-paying member of the Father’s Union for more than 30 years,
I am painfully aware of our limitations. Fathers are like fire
extinguishers. Most of the time, you barely know they’re around. But when
you need one, there is no substitute.
Fathers are excellent for high things. If you need a high thing, they
are very handy. Mothers are OK for silverware and ice, but if you need
that bowl on the top shelf with the creamer, the love-bird salt and
pepper set and the gravy boat all jammed inside it, a father is what you
need.
Bug control is very important -- “Omigod, what is that? Get it!!” --
and, of course, lectures. I gave my share of the obligatory father
lectures over the years. But I could tell no one took them seriously.
Least of all our kids.
I did find some interesting, though totally meaningless, information
about this very special third Sunday in June. Someone with way, way, too
much time on their hands did a study of who calls, or doesn’t call, the
fathers of America on their big day. Men and women are each as likely to
call the old man as the other. The average Father’s Day caller is 33
(that’s depressing), married and a high school graduate.
How on Earth do they know this stuff? Does someone break in on
Father’s Day calls and say, “Excuse me, caller. How old are you?
Thirty-eight? Great, thanks, sorry to interrupt. Go ahead please.”
Men are more likely to take the paternal unit out to celebrate than
women, who are more likely to visit or give him a gift. Ah, the Father’s
Day gift. Never mind. About a third of the calls are made to people other
than the caller’s father -- brothers, uncles, grandfathers, etc. -- and
women are more like to make quasi-father calls than men.
The most likely almost-father figures are, in descending order of
frequency, fathers-in-law, brothers, grandfathers and male friends who
have been father figures in one way or another. As for calling pop the
rest of the year, women are almost three times as likely to make non-Dad
Day calls.
And finally, an encouraging note for all the psychotherapists out
there -- about 17% of Americans never call their father. That’s never as
in “not ever.” Oops. Let’s move on, shall we?
Personally, what I like best about “dad” is that it’s a palindrome.
You know -- racecar, civic, kayak, level, madam. Words or phrases that
spell exactly the same thing in either direction. Wait, this one is
great. Desserts can cause stress, but read “stressed desserts” backward.
How cool is that?
Where were we? Oh yeah, dad. So show a little respect, go easy on the
ties and if you’re in that 17%, call the old poop. Life is too short. I
gotta go.
* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays.
He may be reached via e-mail at PtrB4@aol.com.
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