PETER BUFFA -- Comments & Curiosities

Mortar boards and tassels. “Pomp and Circumstance.” Tears from the

parents, laughter from the kids. Yes, class, the annual graduation

celebration is upon us. And thus it is time, once again, for the

commencement address which no one asked for, and which no one in his or

her right mind would listen to.

From Mesa to Corona del Mar, Harbor to Estancia, Orange Coast College

to Vanguard University -- row after row of bright, shining faces look

forward to, well, whatever it is they look forward to. They step through

one more of life’s portals armed with knowledge, experience and as many

cans of plastic string as they can hide under their gowns. Let us

commence with the commencement.

Graduates, parents, faculty -- thank you so much for asking me to be

here, even though you didn’t. To those of you sitting there in those

bizarre caps and gowns, which were first worn by European clergy in the

12th century and God only knows why we still make people wear them today,

what a glorious day this is for you and your families.

If only you could see yourselves as we see you at this moment --

wearing a dress and a goofy square hat with a yellow air freshener

dangling from it -- you’d want to crawl in a hole.

Many commencement speakers are reluctant to offer advice and counsel.

They are hesitant to impose their own experiences and beliefs on others.

I, on the other hand, have no such reluctance. Here, in a few hundred

words, is everything you need to know about life. Listen carefully. It’s

important.

Fairview Road and Newhope Street are great north-south shortcuts if

you’re trying to avoid the freeways. They have a fraction of the lights

that Harbor Boulevard or Bristol Street do. You can make it from

MacArthur Boulevard to Garden Grove Boulevard on Newhope Street at the

height of rush hour in about seven minutes. Which reminds me, if you

don’t have a FasTrak transponder, get one. You will never get anywhere in

life if you don’t use the toll roads.

Don’t buy sunscreen higher than SPF 15. Not only is it very pricey,

but SPF 30 gives you about 25% more protection than SPF 15, not twice as much. Do you think 2% milk has had 98% of the fat removed? Don’t feel

bad. So do a lot of people. Whole milk is 4% fat, so a glass of 2% has as

much fat as half a glass of whole milk.

Canada is an Indian word that means “big village.” Speaking of Canada,

the best fresh salmon to be found in the cosmos, and that includes tony

restaurants and pretentious specialty markets, is at Costco, of all

places. Try it. You’ll thank me. That’s assuming you can cook, of course.

If you can’t cook, learn. Two of the most important measures of a

person’s character are cooking and spelling. Buy Barilla pasta. It’s

about the same quality as Ronzoni, but cheaper. Don’t fall for all the

premium pastas on the shelves these days. They cost a fortune, and you

won’t be able to tell the difference anyway. If you want to splurge once

in a while, buy DeCecco. Excellent quality, been around since

Michelangelo was a small boy.

Speaking of Michelangelo, next time you order “tiramisu,” you can

impress everyone at the table with this, including the waiter. “Tira” is

Italian for pull, or tug. “Mi” means me. “Su” means up. Put them together

and you have the Italian idiom for “pick-me-up” -- “tiramisu!” Four years

and eight semesters. Did anyone teach you that? Of course not. And that’s

the problem with our educational system today. Not enough Italian

desserts.

By the way, when you talk to your parents, tell them to stop asking me

if a Trader Joe’s is going into the old Market Basket at Harbor Boulevard

and Baker Street.

At Fashion Island, always try that little underground parking area by

the Macy’s Women’s store. It’s small, but people pull in and out

constantly and the escalator shoots you right up top.

When you set out to see the world, you’ll see a lot of statues of

military heroes in older cities. If the horse has both front legs in the

air, the person riding it died in battle. If one of the horse’s front

legs is in the air, the person died of battle wounds. If the horse has

all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Which reminds me, you’ll need to make flight reservations before you

set out to see the world. Always make your reservations as soon as

possible after 12 a.m. on Wednesday. That’s when the airlines release

their next wave of available seats to the reservations networks. When you

see those super saver fares in newspapers, what they don’t tell you is

that there are about three seats at that fare per flight. By dawn

Wednesday, which is about 9 a.m. back east, it’s over, dude.

You should always have breakfast before you set out to see the world,

and that means Plums on 17th Street. Plums is to breakfast as St. Peter’s

is to churches, Beethoven to music, Derek Jeter to ground balls. Try the

eggs and smoked salmon hash or the “Dutch Baby.” They will change your

life.

If you can’t afford to see the world, just go to Skosh Monahan’s on

Newport Boulevard and pretend you’re in Ireland. It’s not quite the same

but it’s a lot of fun and a lot easier to get to.

The last thing I have to tell you is this. Winston Churchill was born

in a ladies’ room at a dance. What you’ve learned this day could well

mean the difference a life of fulfillment or a life of frustration. Then

again, maybe not. I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays.

He may be reached via e-mail at PtrB4@aol.com.