JOSEPH N. BELL -- The Bell Curve

To a news junkie, the best thing about coming home from a long trip is

wallowing in the accumulated newsprint. Our house-sitter obligingly saved

three weeks of newspapers, and I’ve been spending far too much time since

I returned reading minutiae in the Pilot, Times and Register.

Somehow, it’s comforting to know that there are certain stable

elements in my world that will be waiting for me when I return, much as

they were when I left.

The El Toro airport, for example. The same arguments are being made by

the same people for the same reasons -- and our congressman is still mute

on the subject. But two misplaced efforts to find new ground during my

absence are worth noting.

First, the city of Newport Beach funded a phone survey of 250

residents, directed by a pro-El Toro group called Citizens for Jobs and

the Economy, which declined to identify the polling firm. Not very

surprisingly, some 80% of the respondents approved of the airport. The

remaining 20% puts me in mind of the token opposition allowed in Russian

elections during the heyday of Josef Stalin. The city of Irvine has been

running similar polls for several years, with about the same level of

credibility but a great deal more finesse.

On the creative side, Irvine has come up with a new non-airport use

for the El Toro property as a fitting complement to its Great Park. After

considerable study, a City Council committee has determined that even

Irvine residents die. And because there is currently no place to put them

in this condition, the committee is suggesting that a cemetery is a more

appropriate use for El Toro than an airport. Oh, yes, they also have a

survey to back this up.

Meanwhile, our neighboring town of Orange had an election while I was

gone, and the results should run up a warning flag in our own school

district. Three members of the Orange Unified school board were recalled

in a fight that has divided the city and will surely continue through the

next election in November.

The lessons, it seems to me, are twofold: When either a religious or a

political agenda motivates the workings of a school board, the result is

chaos; and the biggest problem in school board elections is apathy. In

spite of the intense, fractious campaign and the departure of droves of

teachers from the Orange system, only 20% of the voters turned out for

the election. And even a personal appeal to Republican voters for money

and support from county GOP Chairman Tom Fuentes in this “nonpolitical”

election couldn’t pull it out for the incumbents.

Some scattered bits and pieces:

* Even an official decision to deny Lodwrick Cook’s request to move

his pier so he could dock his 55-foot yacht off Balboa Island didn’t

settle the issue. He is now trying to nose the yacht in, which is rather

like docking the Queen Mary on Lake Elsinore.

* The imminent release of a new version of “Planet of the Apes”

reminded me of the months that the original was filming at UC Irvine when

I would frequently look up from my office desk to see a Hollywood ape

peering through my window.

* The failure of UCI basketball star Jerry Green -- who must have

gotten some very bad advice -- to be selected in the NBA draft means he

has lost his senior year of eligibility, and I’ll have to watch what

would have been the best UCI team in years struggle without him.

Finally, we lost some vital people in the last month. Frances

Robinson, who -- with her husband, Frank -- saved the Back Bay estuary

for all of us and proved that the determination and dedication of one

person can, indeed, make a difference. Carroll O’Connor, who showed up

bigotry as Archie Bunker, and Stanley Mosk, a tower of judicial strength

on the California Supreme Court during the John Birch years -- both of

whom I interviewed as a journalist.

And then there was Jack Lemmon, whom I was privileged to know well

enough that he came to UCI to show “Save the Tiger” and talk to my film

class, then invited us all to Paramount Studios for the same purpose the

following semester. One of the greatest pleasures of the years I covered

Hollywood was watching Lemmon and Walter Matthau play off each other.

I was doing a profile of Lemmon when he and Matthau were filming “The

Odd Couple” and was visiting the set when they did a scene in which the

Pigeon sisters arrived for cocktails. Lemmon, in his fussy role, told

them nervously: “Don’t sit in the hors d’oeuvres.” But he inadvertently

misspoke the line and totally broke up the company. For the rest of the

morning, every time they came to that line, the cast would disintegrate

in laughter, and the director finally gave up and called a lunch break.

It was the only unprofessional thing I ever saw Lemmon or Matthau do.

Jack Lemmon was real. What you saw was what you got. The Everyman

patina he wore so well and was so close to his skin sometimes obscured

his enormous skills as an actor. More than any other actor I was around

enough to see behind the facade, Lemmon was almost totally without guile.

It was strange -- but somehow appropriate -- that he followed his pal,

Matthau, so quickly to whatever place “grumpy old men” set up shop in the

afterlife.

* JOSEPH N. BELL is a resident of Santa Ana Heights. His column

appears Thursdays.