REEL CRITICS

“Get your hands off me you damn, dirty ape.” Famous words uttered to

dramatic effect by Academy Award-winning actor Charleton Heston in the

original 1968 film “Planet of the Apes.”

These words are spoken -- nearly -- once again in the newly revised

“Planet of the Apes” movie; only this time they are cleverly presented

with a bit of a different twist.

The same can be said of the entirely new “Planet of the Apes” film,

directed by Tim Burton and starring Mark Wahlberg in Heston’s role as a

downed American astronaut on an upside-down, backward planet where apes

rule and humans are considered the animals. The new version is similar in

many ways to the original, yet with different twists mixed in.

“Marky Mark” Wahlberg is surrounded by a swinging new funky bunch this

time around as Leo Davidson, captain on a U.S. Air Force deep space

research vessel that sends genetically enhanced space-simians on missions

too dangerous for humans. On one such mission, Wahlberg’s star pupil

chimp flies into a mysterious electrical magnetic vortex and disappears.

Wahlberg attempts a rescue, then he himself becomes engulfed and

catapulted through time and space, ultimately crash landing on an unknown

planet.

The planet he crashes on -- as mentioned earlier -- is ruled by apes.

Apes disdain humans and use them as slaves, including the murderously

evil General Thade (played particularly well and with inhuman zeal by Tim

Roth). But at the other end of the spectrum are activist apes that

support “Human Rights,” such as Ari (Helena Bonham Carter). Ari treats

humans kindly and sees intelligence in humankind.

While the story line departs pretty widely from the original, there

are many similarities and parallels between the old series of movies --

of which five were made and which also spawned a TV series -- and this

new film. Knowledgeable fans of the original series will get the inside

jokes and see the links between the old and the new.

Unfortunately, those unfamiliar with the old films won’t get the jokes

and will be less entertained as a result. They won’t get the references

or new versions of lines from the original, and they probably won’t care

that Charleton Heston has a cameo role in this film, justifiably so as an

ape in this looking glass world (and film).

And that’s the real problem with this movie. On its own merit, the new

film offers a wonderfully visual world created, as usual, by Burton. It

carries over some of the original points from the first film, such as

that in some ways the apes are more civilized than humans. It also has

characteristically dramatic special effects and undeniably realistic

apes. But it doesn’t offer a better story or message than the original

film, with its reverse-racism story, which at the time made a political

statement with its thinly disguised and satirical look at race relations

in the U.S.

Finally, while Roth’s acting is truly exceptional and in my opinion

carries the film, unfortunately Wahlberg -- who is certainly no Heston --

can’t uphold his side of the bargain. He just wasn’t very strong or

engaging as a reluctant hero.

I’ll forgo my usual rating scale of Pay Full Price, Bargain Matinee,

Wait for Cable, Video Rental and See A Different Movie, in favor of a

banana rating scale, five being top banana and one being bottom. Rated

PG-13 for some scenes of violence, I give “Planet” a rating of three

bananas. And I suggest if you haven’t seen it, that you rent the original

before you go see the new version. It will make it a better moviegoing

experience for you.

* RICHARD BRUNETTE, 36, is a recreation supervisor for the city of

Costa Mesa and a Costa Mesa resident.

‘America’s Sweethearts’ not very sweet

Looking at movie trailers and reading blurbs of “America’s

Sweethearts,” and seeing names such as Catherine Zeta-Jones and John

Cusack, and then adding to those Julia Roberts and Billy Crystal, it

would seem a near certainty of a fun evening’s entertainment.

But, alas, the film’s writers equipped them with a flawed script that

gave them nothing sustaining to reward our trust. As two sisters,

Zeta-Jones and Julia Roberts have the “ugly” sister and “pretty” sister

syndrome. That’s farfetched in itself. Jones is the pretty one, Roberts

is the slave-type “gopher” at her sister’s beck and call.

Cusack and Jones have been America’s sweethearts, but a pending

contentious divorce threatens to leave a lot of people out of work, and

Billy Crystal rides to the rescue as an agent/promoter of an unreleased

movie based on the reconciliation of the “sweethearts.”

The movie bogs down repeatedly and you are hard pressed to care much

one way or the other whether they get back together and all can be

happily reunited. A terrible waste of talented actors and money from the

viewing public’s pocket.

* ELAINE ENGLAND, 65, lives in Newport Beach and owns a gift-basket

business she operates out of her home.