The Verdict -- Robert Gardner

The modern telephone system has me completely baffled. Beverly

Barnes took me to a recent jazz concert in Costa Mesa. The next day, I

tried to call her and thank her. Between my poor hearing and something

about ID blocking, I never did get through.

I’m thinking of using smoke signals, instead. Much simpler. Cochise

wants to communicate with Geronimo. He builds a fire, waves a blanket

over the smoke and up it goes in puffs. One puff says, “Hey, old buddy,

that was a great massacre of the pale faces you just pulled off at Apache

Pass.”

Geronimo builds his fire, sends up a couple of puffs of smoke in

return: “Thanks. Coming from you, that’s a real compliment. Next time we

get together it will be my turn to buy the drinks.”

Our phone system was once as simple as that. You picked up the phone,

told the operator who you wanted to talk to and she took care of

everything. For example, I was working at the Green Dragon Cafe on Main

Street in Balboa. I look up and see Gus Tamplis chasing Ted Cooper down

the street waving a big butcher knife. Being a good citizen, I try to

call the police.

I pick up the phone. “Chewey” Roper, the local telephone operator,

says, “Well, Bob, what’s on your mind?”

I say, “Please connect me with the police department.”

Chewey says, “Why?”

I say, “Because your brother Ted is being chased down the street by

Gus Tamplis, and Gus has a big knife.”

Chewey says, “So? Gus never saw the day he could catch Ted.”

She paused a moment. “How’s Jessie?” (My older sister with whom I

lived.)

“Oh, she’s all right. Just had a touch of the flu.”

“How’s Lifa?” (Our next door neighbor.)

“Oh, she caught it from Jessie, but she’s getting over it, too.”

I say, “Chewey, how about my call?”

“Who do you want to call?”

‘The police department.”

“Just because Gus Tamplis is chasing Ted with a knife?”

“Yes.”

“Now, Bob, don’t you think the police have more important things to

do? You know, murders, burglaries, things like that.”

I say, “I guess you’re right, Chewey.” I hang up.

A perfect system.

* ROBERT GARDNER is a Corona del Mar resident and a former judge. His

column runs Tuesdays.