REEL CRITICS

We should have known that the near-empty theater and an audience

comprised of 30-year-olds and younger meant we were in trouble. We had

seen photos of “metalheads” and heard snippets of their tour de forces,

so we entered to see “Rock Star” with great trepidation.

First scene, Bill went out to the car and got some earplugs.

Pittsburgh local Chris Coles (Mark Wahlberg), a big-eyed wannabe

metalhead, goes from being the lead singer in a tribute band to being the

lead singer of an actual heavy metal band called Steel Dragon (which

exists only in this movie). Predictably, this messes with his

relationship with girlfriend/manager Emily (Jennifer Aniston), which is

about all there is to the plot.

As time passes, Chris -- oh, don’t call him that, it’s “Izzy” now --

becomes corrupted and his dreams of living the “rock” life go up in the

smoke of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll.

Our education was expanded. We learned that those who set up the stage

for concerts perform a true engineering feat. We learned new words and

saw gestures we cannot use. And we learned about the fleshy and

distasteful life of female rock star groupies. It was way more than we

wanted to know.

As we left the theater, the few metal fans in the audience were not

fooled. They complained that the film was way too “soft,” Wahlberg was

not “the man,” and there was “not enough trash.” Other comments heard

included “Aniston unpolluted,” “this movie is an insult to metalloids,”

and “I would rather watch ‘Airheads.”’

There you have it.

To be honest, we hoped in our lifetime we would never be inflicted

with any “metal” noise other than in the kitchen. Well, we did. But we

suggest you don’t.

If you have to see it, buy a used video.

“Rock Star” is rated R for language, sexuality and some drug content.

* GAY WASSALL-KELLY, 61, is the editor of a Balboa newspaper and is

active in the community. BILL KELLY, 59, is an industrial engineer.

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