PETER BUFFA -- Comments & Curiosities

Not this year. No way, no how. That’s “no” as in... no. No ghosts, no

goblins, nothing that goes bump in the night. Don’t even ask. Everybody

is jumpy enough right now without having things pop out of the shadows

and go “boo.” At a time when a small tear in a bag of Equal can bring an

entire city to a halt and people are opening their mail in wet suits and

gas masks, a kinder, gentler Halloween is what we’re after. This

depresses me greatly because, as you know, I am a big fan of the Pumpkin

Thing. Halloween means October, which means autumn, which means the World

Series, which means the New York Yankees win it all. The cycle of life.

Next year, things will be back to normal, maybe. But until further

notice, all citizens in the land of Newport-Mesa are asked to celebrate,

commemorate and otherwise participate in that festive final evening of

October as follows:

1) Costumes. Nothing spooky, nothing gross. In fact, lay off the

extraterrestrial stuff as well. For the kids, Disney characters are

always a safe bet. I would stick with Tinkerbell and Winnie the Pooh.

Tigger is so wired he makes people crazy. Fruits are fine, especially

raisins and bananas. Bananas always get a laugh. Ever notice “bananas” is

hard to write? It’s like Mississippi. You never know when to stop. Take

your pick on the fruits, but vegetables are even safer. Everybody loves

carrots. Very non-threatening, plus the orange is simpatico with the

pumpkin theme, which reminds me of the time Mr. and Mrs. Carrot decide to

see what life is like outside the garden. They make a run for it but just

as they get started, Mr. Carrot steps into the street without looking and

gets hit by a car. They rush him to the hospital and into surgery. Hours

later, the doctor comes out to talk to Mrs. Carrot. “Your husband is

going to make it,” he says, “but I’m afraid he’s going to be a vegetable

the rest of his life.” OK. For the fully grown revelers, I would stick

with famous people, ideally someone comforting and reassuring. For men,

you can’t go wrong with Jimmy Carter -- low-energy, high standards and

that gentle Georgia drawl. Very soothing. For women, I’d say Barbara

Walters. But remember, if you go with Barb, it’s “Twick-a-Tweet.” And

that brings us to...

2) Trick or Treat. This is not the time to be running around in the

dark knocking on people’s doors and ringing doorbells. I would definitely

call first. If you must ring bells, stand well back from the door with

your hands clearly visible and smile. If you have a mask, take it off so

they can see you smile. Speak in a quiet, soothing voice and don’t just

say: “Trick or treat.” Try something like “Trick or treat, I live just

down the street and I love what you’ve done with the house.” It’ll be a

mouthful for the little kids but they’ll get the hang of it after a few

houses.

3) Candy. Deciding whether or not to let the kids eat what they

collect is always a tough decision. You could let them “trade in” their

candy when they get home. Give them a nickel or a dime for every piece, a

dollar a piece if you live in a gated community.

4) Parties. An excellent choice, whether it’s little kids or fully

mature. Apple bobbing, pumpkin carving, tree trimming (may as well get

started) are all benign. Normally, I like to read from “The Legend of

Sleepy Hollow” and play spooky music. This year, I’d go with a biography

of Washington Irving and Mussorgsky’s “Night on Bald Mountain.” The

little kids will get antsy but they’ll thank you later. Much later.

Adults could do a story circle and tell sappy stories about stressful

childhood moments: you turned around and your mother was gone, you were

the last one in the classroom and the door wouldn’t open, that sort of

thing. You could finish up with a group hug and some warm cider. Some of

you have doubts about this. I can see it in your eyes. I’m telling you,

with a little imagination we can make this work. Think of the graveyard

scene in the “Haunted Mansion.” Between the singing tombstones, the June

Taylor dancing ghosts and the gravedigger’s little dog, it almost makes

you sorry to be alive.

Finally, a bit of housekeeping. It’s a special nod and a raucous cheer

for the folks on Country Club Drive in Costa Mesa for patriotism above

and beyond the call. It’s great to see all the flags displayed across the

land, but Country Club has become command central for the stars and

stripes. I drive the street at least twice a day, and they have virtually

100% participation in waving the red, white and blue. The colors, and the

pride, stand out on house after house. Definitely, two thumbs up. So

there you have it. Enjoy your Halloween, have fun, be safe, nothing

spooky. Just do what Boston Red Sox fans do. Wait until next year. I

gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays.

He may be reached via e-mail at o7 PtrB4@aol.comf7 .