Reporter’s Notebook -- June Casagrande
I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions -- at least not for myself. I’m
the kind of person who wakes up on May 20, 1999, says “I wonder if I can
make it all the way to work today without a cigarette?” and, by the end
of the day, has kicked a near lifelong two-pack-a-day habit.
But that’s just me.Other people, I know, need resolutions. They take
great comfort in saying they will do on Jan. 1 something they could as
easily do today.
In a way, it’s a shame I don’t make resolutions because I have so many
good ideas that I’ll never use. So, for everyone else, this year I’d like
to offer some suggestions. Here is my list of New Year’s resolutions I
think you -- in fact, everyone -- should make:
* I will change my work schedule to stay off the freeway between 8 and 10
a.m. and between 5 and 7 p.m. These, I know, are June’s commuting times
and she just doesn’t need me in her way. I will avoid the San Diego
Freeway altogether.
* I will stop saying “my bad.” The reasons for doing so are evident
enough that I should have stopped saying this in June’s presence a long
time ago. I will put this annoying expression on the discard pile in my
mind along with the lyrics to “Achy, Breaky Heart.”
* I will learn the difference between “to lay” and “to lie.” June is
tired of hearing people say, without realizing what they’re saying, that
they plan to make love on the beach when what they mean is that they plan
to get horizontal just to sun themselves. I understand that June took the
time to learn proper English; I should do the same.
* I will stop bragging about how much time I spend in bookstores. I now
know that this does not fool June into believing I’m smart. On the
contrary, June understands the qualitative difference between buying
books and actually reading them. I should work to grasp this concept as
well.
* I will stop taking out my pent-up frustrations on smokers. Just because
I feel shackled by the fact that it’s no longer politically correct to
disparage other groups doesn’t mean I can vent my resentment toward
smokers. They have enough problems without my feigned coughs and grimaces
passive-aggressively telling them they smell bad. This is important not
just because June was once one of them, but because she can clearly see
that by picking on smokers, I’m really just redirecting my prejudices
toward Freemasons, Prussians and tea drinkers.
* I will try to give up listening to talk radio but, failing that, I will
never, ever attempt to engage June in a conversation about something I
heard on talk radio. Just because some mindless chatterbox can bait me
into a one-sided debate about whether terrorism is an art form doesn’t
mean that June is as easily baited. June is not a venue for me to get in
my two cents on the subject.
* In this same spirit, I will also give up listening to wacky morning
radio shows. I understand that bathroom humor is no funnier at 9 a.m.
than it is any other time of day.
* I will stop buying foods just because they say “fat-free” on the label.
When I am tempted to do so, I will remind myself that synthetic
substitutes for butter in cookies aren’t necessarily any better for me
than butter. Leaping over this logic is an affront to the evolved,
rational species of which June is a member.
* I will trade in my sport-utility vehicle immediately. Besides guzzling
gas and looking like a cliche on wheels, I am obstructing June’s view of
traffic.
* I will understand and accept the limitations of my cell phone. As sad
as it makes me, I must realize that it’s not the ideal way to enjoy a
night at the movies and a conversation with a distant friend at the same
time. I must accept that I’m not the only driver who’s just so good that
chatting about my shopping list doesn’t cause me to stray into June’s
lane. And I will understand that just because I can hear June fine when I
call her on my cell phone, that doesn’t mean she can hear me. Therefore,
I will never, ever call her from my cell just to say, “He-e-e-y.
Ho-o-ow’s (silence) g-wing?”
And, perhaps the most important resolution you can make this year:
* From this day forward, all chain mail and chain e-mail stops with me.
Let’s face it: You’re not really going to jog 26.4 miles every morning
before breakfast, kick your addiction to computer solitaire or learn to
play the flute. So why not find a better application for all those good
intentions? Why not stop saying “a whole ‘nother” when you want to add
umph to the word “another”? Why not vote against the politicians who
insult people’s intelligence by using the phrase “for the children”? Why
not boycott reality TV? Why not resolve to make 2002 a great year for
June?
* June Casagrande covers Newport Beach. She may be reached at (949)
574-4232 or by e-mail at o7 june.casagrande@latimes.comf7 .
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