Family Time -- Steve Smith

Once again, it seems that every newspaper and magazine in the country

is issuing its “year in review” issues. I’ve always found that to be a

rather easy and common way to fill space, not to mention a bit cowardly.

Really, how hard is it to write about what has already occurred?

Predictions! Now there’s something worth writing about. After all, how

many predictions stories will you read at the end of this year? These

days, no one wants to stick his neck out; everyone is playing it safe.

So, with the OK from the Daily Pilot muck-a-mucks, I am breaking

format to return for one week only to local issues. This week, back by

not-so-popular demand, I present the fourth annual predictions column,

dedicated, as always, to Charles “Criswell” King, prognosticator

extraordinaire and one of America’s bravest citizens.

1. In January, the Costa Mesa City Council, in one of its most

brilliant moves, will kill two birds with one stone by moving Huscroft

House to Fairview Park and turning it into the city’s Job Center. Since

the Job Center already receives about $100,000 in funding and Huscroft

House needs some seed money, it’s a total win-win. Besides, way out at

Fairview Park, no one can complain about noise.

2. In February, the residents of College Park will complain about the

noise.

3. The management of the Bermuda Triangle Square mall (where

businesses go to disappear) will decide the fate of the subterranean

retail location that has been a Ralphs grocery store and a Whole Foods

market. In a stroke of genius, they will turn the space into a parking

lot.

4. Newport-Mesa Unified School District trustee Wendy Leece will get

arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol. In a special session

the following day, the rest of the panel will rescind its vote of Dec. 11

and elect her president of the board.

5. The Ancient Order of the Two-headed Turtle (the official name of

the Procrastinator’s Society) will hand out its 2001 “If Anything Is

Worth Doing, It Would Have Been Done Already” award to the Orange County

Board of Supervisors and the battling airport groups for taking years and

spending tens of millions of dollars to develop absolutely nothing on the

site where there was once a useful Marine base.

6. In an effort to finally resolve the El Toro mess, Irvine Mayor

Larry Agran and county Supervisor Cynthia Coad will meet at the El Toro

base to battle each other in a park-versus-airport, winner-take-all game

of paint ball.

7. The Orange County Fair board, having used every possible catchy

name during its existence, will announce that the fair’s theme for 2002

will be: “Whatever.”

8. Ikea, the Swedish furniture store soon to be located at the Home

Ranch development, will announce its plan to offer special discount

pricing to all residents who move into Home Ranch with them. “It’s a big

tract,” they will say. “Someone has to furnish it.”

9. Having failed to reach their desired occupancy level, the owners of

the stunning Pacific Federal Plaza at 19th Street and Newport Boulevard

in Costa Mesa will announce an association with a well-known chain to

take over the lease on the property. The site will become the nation’s

largest Jiffy Lube.

10. Acknowledging that every street corner in the city already has an

oil change store on the corner, and having seen the sweet deal inked by

the Pacific Federal people, the Costa Mesa City Council will announce

that from now on the town will be called “Jiffy Lube.”

11. The Newport Beach City Council, in its most useful action of the

year, will issue an order demanding that Tony Roma’s return to its old

location on Coast Highway.

12. Televangelist Paul Crouch will pull off his hair on live

television and reveal himself to be Sid Soffer.

13. Dennis Rodman will strike it even richer by selling his own line

of ear plugs.

14. The Cannery restaurant still won’t be open.

15. The Newport Beach City Council will realize that the new

Greenlight regulations are actually good for the city and will move to

make responsible growth a permanent, unalterable part of the city

charter. They will do this after an extensive tour of a city called

“Irvine.”

16. South Coast Plaza will expand in all directions and declare itself

the county’s newest city.

17. A Newport Beach cosmetic surgeon and exceptional human being will

offer to repair, gratis, the swastika and other markings that were carved

into the face of a 15-year-old on the UC Irvine campus just days ago.

Have a happy, healthy 2002.

* STEVE SMITH is a Costa Mesa resident and freelance writer. Readers

may leave a message for him on the Daily Pilot hotline at (949) 642-6086.