Family Time -- Steve Smith

The child’s braggadocio sent a chill through me because it brought

home one of the greatest fears of being a parent: No matter how much a

mom or dad walks the walk or influences their children in any way in

order to get them to act according to their wishes, there will be times

when kids will be tested and, we should expect, times when they will fail

those tests.

Dropping our 11 1/2-year-old daughter off at a friend’s house for a

few hours one evening, she asked me if she could watch “Titanic” while

she was there. It was a question she’d asked before, and while I didn’t

want to recount the reasons in front of her friends, I simply said,

softly, “Not tonight.”

But in my mind, I was going over the reasons: One of the central

characters is a ditsy woman who is engaged to a man she doesn’t love.

While on the boat, she falls head over heels in lust with a man she has

known for only a few hours. In the middle of the movie, the two brand new

lovers have unprotected sex in the back seat of a car in the ship’s hold.

That impulsiveness and stupidity is not the female role model I want

my daughter to have. So while I am encouraging her to read more about

Eleanor Roosevelt, Mother Teresa or Rosa Parks, she would have been

undermined by a movie that in a child’s mind is nothing short of a

documentary.

And then there is the matter of about 1,000 people dying slow, painful

deaths.

It was right after I declined to let her watch the movie that the

comment came from one of her friends. “I’ve seen it seven times,” she

said.

“Titanic” is not suitable for children 11 1/2 years old. And while I

am thrilled beyond words that my daughter asked permission, it occurred

to me that parents do not always convey their wishes to other parents

when friends are visiting. So while my daughter did the right thing and

asked permission, another parent may decide that a certain PG or PG-13 or

even R-rated movie is quite all right for children other than their own.

Perhaps what we need is a form letter or form e-mail or conversation

that will make clear exactly what kids are and are not able to see and do

while they’re visiting each other. Here is my first draft:

Dear _______,

I am delighted that our kids have become friends. When your child is

visiting our home, please let me know if there are any dietary or other

restrictions by which we should abide.

While our child is visiting your home, please observe the following

guidelines:

1. Please do not allow him/her to watch any movie that is rated PG-13

or higher. We will allow him/her to watch certain PG-rated movies, so

call us if you are considering one.

2. Please severely limit his/her intake of junk food. The definition

of junk food is candy, soda, nearly all fast food and anything in which

one serving supplies more than 7% of the recommended daily allowance of

fat, salt or sugar. If you are not sure what applies, feel free to call

us.

3. Please do not allow my child to play with or watch your child play

with any video games, especially any violent ones. One example is the

popular martial arts video game in which one of the fighters falls down a

deep well, only to land on his back on top of several pointed stakes in

the ground. The sight of the stakes piercing his body and the resulting

blood was too much for me, let alone my child.

4. Instead of sitting in front of a screen, please encourage our

children to play together outside.

Thank you very much.

A letter such as this or a conversation about what is appropriate and

what is not wasn’t needed too many years ago. But over time, the bar has

been lowered and what was once considered unacceptable is now routine.

I’m not sure why that has happened, but I have a couple of theories.

One is that parents are working or are just too busy to stay on top of

what their kids are ingesting and exposed to. Another is the parents’

belief that because they did this or that or behaved a certain way when

they were young and have turned out “OK,” that somehow it makes it

acceptable for their own children to repeat that behavior. It is not.

In these days of far greater temptations and distractions, too much

parenting is left unchecked. And while parents who send this sample

letter to another parent risk the labels “square” or “overprotective,” it

is the price we have to pay for the years we have been asleep at the

helm.

* STEVE SMITH is a Costa Mesa resident and freelance writer. Readers

may leave a message for him on the Daily Pilot hotline at (949) 642-6086.