Letter to the Editor -- Maxine B. Cohen

I am writing to comment on Steve Smith’s column (Family Time -- “A

letter of restraint,” Jan. 26). Both my personal opinion, as well as my

professional one, as a marriage and family therapist, is that his column

was excellent.

What Smith said needed to be said and needs to be said repeatedly,

given the state of this society in which the laissez-faire attitude with

our children has become more in the service of the parents’ need to be

safe, accepted and approved of. Parents don’t want to ruffle the feathers

in the parent-child relationship, they want to be a pal to their kids, do

the easy thing and go with the flow and make no waves at any cost. This

is less in the service of doing what’s right and in the best interest of

their children. It will instill values and promote the growth of

integrity by setting an example by their own behavior.

Yes, I have strong opinions about this, both personally and

professionally.

There is also something else that’s going on at a deeper level still

that I think deserves mention. It is something called “group think.” This

means that a bunch of people coming together is a powerful thing that

takes on a character of its own that carries a lot of weight and has a

lot of impact. A group has a mentality that is created by consensus, more

covertly than overtly, and disagreeing with the group or having an

individual opinion that runs contrary to the predominant one can be cause

for ostracism and censure. It becomes hard to buck the group, and it

takes real courage to do so.

I was at a conference some time ago, and the speaker was using an

overhead projector and transparencies. Trouble was, the person who had

set up the equipment had accidentally skewed the projector to the left by

45 degrees so that in order to see it, everyone in the audience had to

tilt his or her head to the left, ear to shoulder. It was very

uncomfortable. One speaker followed another, but none checked the image

on the screen.

I was losing it. I was hoping beyond hope that someone else would

bring it to their attention (It seems I’m usually the one to speak up

first in these situations). After 2 1/2 hours, I could stand it no

longer. I summoned up all my courage and said, “The image is askew. Would

you please straighten it out.” Tittering and sighs of relief greeted me.

Whew, no nasty reprisals there.

And so, Steve Smith, thank you for your thoughtful and interesting

column.

MAXINE B. COHEN

Newport Beach