Family Time -- Steve Smith

Daily Pilot columnist Joe Bell and I disagree on a great many things.

But I always read his column and appreciate his arguments, even though I

think he is wrong most of the time.

On Wednesday, however, Joe wrote a column that should be mandatory

reading by anyone who has kids or is planning to have kids. In a

nutshell, Joe talked about the ebb and flow of the Bell household income

and lifestyle, ebbing and flowing according to the needs of his stepson,

Erik.

Joe’s wife, Sherry, left her job at the Los Angeles Times to spend

more time with Erik. Joe worked at home. When Erik went off to college,

Sherry went off to work to help pay for his education.

But now, Erik is out of college, and Sherry is no longer working.

Unlike most of the major decisions that adults make, the Bells

actually planned for Sherry’s departure from her job. They worked on

budgets and figured out the difference between what they need and what

they want. That most of us buy things we want, not what we need, powers

the economy but it’s usually not good for kids.

Two car payments, meals out, expensive vacations and so much other

credit debt forces parents into working to pay for things they don’t

need. Do the math. Write down your household expenses -- all of them --

on a piece of paper. Then pull out only the food (not meals out), minimal

clothing and your rent or mortgage, and see what you get. I’ve done this

calculation hundreds of times for families across the country, and in

every case the money wasted on extras is at least 30% of the two incomes.

Often, it is much more.

This doesn’t mean that parents have to live in a cave or eliminate all

entertainment. Most of the time, it only means a reorganizing of the

family priorities. Once parents get their heads straight about what is

important and what is not, the rest is easy.

Ryane Thorne is the newborn daughter of friends Jon and Laura Thorne.

Until a few weeks ago, Laura was an account manager at a local

advertising agency. I had the great pleasure of working closely with

Laura for 2 1/2 years. She is very good at her job and the type of

employee for whom a company would hire and make a position, just to have

her on the team.

When she got pregnant, I was certain that Laura would take the

requisite maternity leave and then return to work. I even told my wife as

much.

But I was wrong. Last week, Laura e-mailed me that she has decided to

stay at home to care for Ryane.

Becoming a parent is the longest obligation most of us will have,

except for our mortgage. It’s an 18-year roller-coaster ride, during

which we find ourselves talking baby talk at age 30, repeating those

stupid sayings our parents told us (the ones we swore we’d never use) at

age 35 and reliving the horror of common denominators at age 40.

But except for those of us living in Orange County, raising a child

costs a lot more dough. In 1999, the Department of Agriculture reported

the cost of raising a child for necessities only, adjusted for inflation,

was $237,000. So that does not include their braces, the private school

that Joe’s son attended or their soccer cleats.

Laura and Jon Thorne and Joe and Sherry Bell are parents. They do not

expect anyone to pin a medal on them or salute them when they enter the

room. Parenting is a choice they made. It’s a volunteer mission that

provides the usual risks and rewards.

I appreciated Joe’s column, and I applaud Laura and Jon Thorne’s

decision because Cay and I have been there and done that. We wrote the

new budget, made the lifestyle changes (I reject the term sacrifices) and

watched much of the world go by, never missing a thing. And although the

Thornes will not require as many changes -- I am sure Jon is well-paid --

there will still be a part of Laura that will make her think about

working again, only because that’s the way she was made. Over time that

will disappear, and Laura will smile at the thought that she ever

considered working with a baby at home.

And, Joe, I hope you enjoy the Mozart and the afternoon movies and

your days under the ash tree. Those are but a few of your many rewards

now that you have successfully raised a child.

* STEVE SMITH is a Costa Mesa resident and freelance writer. Readers

may leave a message for him on the Daily Pilot hotline at (949) 642-6086.