Parenting Pros

Michele Marr

Poor grades, bad attitudes, slacker friends, crashed cars, drug

arrests, huffing deaths, pregnant girlfriends, no girlfriends, bad-news

boyfriends.

For the parent who has just become the parent of a teenage son or

daughter, these are just a few of the frightening things that sleepless

nights can be made of.

“The insurance industry makes it clear that these years are dangerous

times. They make it clear by charging more [to insure a teen driver],”

Mimi Espinoza said.

Espinoza is one of four veteran parents who will address the topic of

parenting teens at an upcoming two-day conference called “Parenting with

a Purpose.”

“Parents hear those years are horrible years,” said Pat Cottrell,

pastor of the Calvary Baptist Church Huntington Beach and one of the key

conference speakers. “We want parents to know it doesn’t have to be so.”

Cottrell and the other speakers, his wife, Camilla Cottrell, and

Mimi’s husband, Jose Espinoza, come to the topic with the authority of

experience. The Cottrells have 11 children, six boys and five girls

between the ages of 2 and 23. The Espinozas have two grown sons and two

young boys.

“The teen years can be the best years of our parenting experience.

They may be the most work, but they can also be the most fulfilling,” Pat

Cottrell said.

Both parenting teams agree that teens are looking for people who will

interact with them and help them make tough decisions and give them

advice.

“Beginning with the junior high years, kids are creating their world

view,” said Jose Espinoza, who is also the youth pastor at Calvary

Baptist Church.

They are beginning to seek more freedom to make their own decisions

about what they think and what they do, he said.

“You have to be willing to say, ‘OK, if you want the freedom, here are

the responsibilities that come with it,”’ Camilla Cottrell said. “That is

what builds character and self-esteem.”

One of the hardest aspects of parenting teenagers, these parents said,

is there are few instant results. Parents often do not see the fruits of

their labor until much later, which is why they feel it is important for

parents with teen-rearing experience to be there for those preparing to

enter that phase of parenting.

The conference is geared toward parents with children in the fourth

grade and higher. Couples, single parents and couples with children from

previous marriages are all encouraged to attend.

Parents will have time at the conference to explore their particular

parenting challenges with others like them. As couples and in small

groups, they will have time to consider the goals they have for their

children.

“If you want your child to be self-governing at 18, if you want him to

have certain character strengths,” explained Camilla Cottrell, “you need

to identify what you can do right now to help your child understand the

value of those goals and to achieve them.”

Simply bossing a child does not work, Mimi Espinoza said. Trust must

be built early. And a parent needs to concentrate on the really important

issues, she said.

“They need to know we are not trying to torture [them], we want [them]

to have a good future,” she explained.

Who a child chooses for his friends, for example, can have

repercussions that last a lifetime. Hair color and haircuts grow out,

work habits and study habits stick and can affect lifelong choices, Mimi

Espinoza added. Clothes are outgrown and discarded.

At the same time, Pat Cottrell emphasized that fear is the enemy of

successful parenting. Parents have so much to compete with in today’s

world, so it is tempting and natural for a parent to want to appease a

child, he said.

“Yet, as soon as the fear of losing your child governs your parenting,

you truly risk losing your child,” he said.

These parents hope to ease the sense of fear parents have. While

parents can’t force trust on their children neither can they demand

obedience or respect, said Jose Espinoza, who wants parents to rest

assured that their children really do want to hear what they have to say.

Pat Cottrell knows from experience that it can be a guessing game to

know just when a teen is going to want to talk. What’s important, he

said, is that whenever they open that door, “You need to be there to walk

through it.”

* MICHELE MARR is a freelance writer and graphic designer from

Huntington Beach. She has been interested in religion and ethics for as

long as she can remember. She can be reached at o7

michele@soulfoodfiles.com.f7

FYI

What: Parenting with a Purpose

When: 6:30 p.m. May 31 and 9 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. June 1

Where: Calvary Baptist Church Huntington Beach, 8281 Garfield Ave.

Information: (714) 962-6860 or info@cbchb.org

Cost: $50 per couple, $30 per single parent (scholarships are

available), advance registration requested.