Family Focus

Kimberlie Zakarian

* EDITOR’S NOTE: Cindy Trane Christeson is on vacation. Her column,

“The Moral of the Story,” will return next week.

It saddens me that lately I have encountered numerous hurting

marriages. It seems that at the root of this hurt lies unforgiveness and

a fear that forgiving means what another has done to you is OK.

It excites me that there can be a victory over every trial. As I

counsel various marriages, I have only one hope to profess, the hope that

all are able to grasp onto and accept -- God and the Bible.

Oftentimes we are afraid to forgive. There may be a very real wrong

committed against us. Other times, we harbor baggage from our past and

become too sensitive to any small offense.

My husband, Daryl, and I can truly say that being released to forgive

has not only mended but enhanced our marriage considerably.

Daryl and I both suffered from the baggage of our past. Our healing

came from choosing to obey the word of God, not following our feelings.

It got to the point that every offense was magnified to a degree that we

fought each other, rather than the issues. True forgiveness can be

attained by doing two things -- obeying God’s word and trust.

The Bible gives us many commands for our healing and blessing. God is

clear in his word that we cannot be forgiven if we choose to harbor

unforgiveness in our lives (Matthew 6:14 and 15). Without that

forgiveness, how can we prosper in our marriages?

Ephesians 4:31 and 32 tells us, for our own good, that unforgiveness

produces bitterness, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling

and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate

to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Stepping out in obedience to that word, regardless of our feelings,

will produce a blessing from God that later mends the turmoil our

emotions have produced.

Stepping out in obedience to God’s word takes trust. I was healed of

the unforgiveness I harbored that was due to some very real abuse I had

experienced earlier in life. This unforgiveness festered into bitterness

until I was released by the Scriptures to trust my Lord. “That is why I

am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have

believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted

to Him for that day.” (II Timothy 1:12)

We have to be convinced to serve God, or not. If we serve him, we must

obey all of his commands -- and the word of God says that we must

forgive. Doing so allows healing and blessing to flow into our lives.

If you are struggling with an unforgiving heart, recognize the prison

it puts you and those around you in. There is hope. There is freedom.

TAKE-TO-HEART TIPS

Do not simply take these home, but to heart -- so they go with you

wherever you go:

* Recognize unforgiveness.

* Ask God for forgiveness of the sin of unforgiveness.

* If an offense has been committed against you, release it to God.

* Analyze if you have been overly sensitive toward your mate because

of other offenses you have encountered in life (such as previous abuse,

breaking of your trust, etc.).

* You do not have to wait for the emotion of forgiveness to come

first. It most likely won’t. Choose to forgive out of obedience to the

Lord, and he will allow the emotions to follow.

* Trust God with your forgiveness.

* If you are in a true abusive relationship, get the help that you

need.

* The Rev. KIMBERLIE ZAKARIAN has a family ministry, Holy House

Ministries, and is an author and speaker of family issues. Her column,

Family Faith, runs alternating Fridays in the News Press, the Pilot’s

sister paper in Glendale. Contact her by e-mail at HolyHouse9@aol.com; or

by mail at Holy House Ministries c/o the Rev. Kimberlie Zakarian, 9641

Tujunga Canyon Blvd., Tujunga, CA 91042.