Comments & Curiosities -- Peter Buffa

The ducks are back. Quack. It’s always something, isn’t it? If it

isn’t ducks, it’s coyotes, and if it isn’t coyotes, it’s naked Chinese

stowaways. It’s a constant battle, I tell you.

As you may recall, the last episode of Bunty and the Ducks, not to be

confused with Elton John’s “Benny and the Jets,” took place in November.

Longtime Balboa Island-Grand Canal resident Bunty Justin liked to feed

the ducks, a lot. Bunty would feed the ducks, then feed them some more.

The ducks liked that. As fast as Bunty could put out the food, the ducks

would gobble it up. Food, gobble, food, gobble -- it became what

physicists call a self-induced cycle.

Bunty’s neighbors, however, shared neither her nor the ducks’

enthusiasm for lunchtime at Bunty’s. First, there was the sheer force of

numbers -- at times as many as 100 ducks. That’s a lot of ducks.

That’s also a lot of noise. As you know, ducks have a hard time

remembering to use their “inside” voice. They have one word (quack) and

one volume (loud). The biggest problem, though, was what the ducks did

with all that food once they gobbled it. It’s much the same as what we

do, only worse.

The city got involved when concerns were raised about the amount of

duck waste that was making its way into the harbor. Thus, some months

later, a city ordinance was passed that said, until further notice, be

kind to your web-footed friends whether or not they are somebody’s

mother, but do not under any circumstances put out large amounts of food

or water for them.

Any questions? Very well then. Done. Next item.

But since then, a strange thing has happened -- a very strange thing

indeed. The ducks won’t leave. They miss Bunty terribly, and they

understand about the new ordinance and all, but they just won’t leave.

Frustrated with the quack attacks, the city turned to the U.S. Department

of Fish and Game for guidance and assistance. “Can you give us guidance

and assistance?” the city asked. “Our ducks won’t leave.”

According to Department of Fish and Game officials, who are very wise

in the ways of ducks, the little beasts refuse to leave because they have

lost their incentive to migrate. After years of overly generous ,if not

gluttonous, feedings, they are convinced that Balboa Island is the

Promised Land, the land of milk and bread crumbs, and nothing will sway

them in that belief.

Next, the city talked to a company that specializes in animal

relocation. Yes, there are such things. If you have animals that need

relocating, they will relocate them for you, for a fee, either a flat

rate or by the duck, whichever you prefer. They will meet with the ducks,

explain the relocation options, and then transport them in a humane and

caring manner.

Seemed like a plan, until the U.S. Department of Fish and Game

reappeared and said, “Do you know what those are?”

“Umm, ducks?” replied the city.

“Correct,” said the Feds. “But not just any ducks. Those are mallards.

And mallards are a migratory species. Nobody can move a migratory

species. No one, no way, no how.”

“But we thought they lost their incentive to migrate?” said the city.

“That’s their problem, not yours,” said the Feds.

But the city remains hopeful. According to Newport Beach Assistant

City Manager Dave Kiff: “We think there’s a legal way to do it. We have a

relocation proposal we’re looking at.”

The details are still being worked out, and there’s no word yet on the

cost or where the displaced ducks would be relocated, but these things

must be handled delicately, my little pretty, delicately.

It’s hard to know where a duck’s head is, but I would think they have

pretty strong preferences about relocation. Water is an issue. So are

dogs. If I were a duck, I would insist on a city with a leash law. And

nothing near freeways or major arterials.

Actually, I sympathize completely with the city. We have had a number

of excellent animal adventures in Costa Mesa over the years. And when it

comes to cities, residents and the animal kingdom, the story seldom ends

well.

Speaking of duck stories, here is a duck quiz. You surely know that

Donald Duck’s girlfriend is Daisy Duck. You also know that Donald’s loopy

scientist uncle is Ludwig Von Drake. And you of course know that Donald

has three nephews: Huey, Dewey and Louie.

But here’s something you may not know: Daisy Duck had three nieces.

Here’s the question: What are the names of Daisy’s nieces? The first

correct answer I receive will be duly recognized with praise and

adulation on these very pages.

Come on. Take a quack at it. I gotta go.

*PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays. He

may be reached via e-mail at PtrB4@aol.com.