The Verdict -- Robert Gardner

I don’t want to sound too much like the village scold, but I do think

that it is high time we do something about our local crow population.

Once upon a time, we had song birds, beautiful redbreasted thrushes,

among others. No longer. Today, all we have are crows, thousands of ugly,

cawing crows whose contributions seem to be limited to making noise,

rummaging in the garbage and creating discharge.

As far as I know, the sole affirming contribution of crows to society

was to have the starring role, under their stage name of ravens, in one

of the most depressing poems ever written. In it, Edgar Allan Poe, an

obviously unhappy person, wrote a piece in which the crow just sat there

and croaked, “Nevermore, nevermore.” Frankly, I don’t remember just where

the word “nevermore” fit into the story line, but I do remember that it

set the tone for the whole dreary piece.

I don’t insist that all writing be comedy, but life is rough enough

without having to read an endless poem in which the star is a crow

droning, “Nevermore, nevermore,” over and over.

Maybe if we had the crow or raven croaking, “Nevermore, nevermore,”

over and over while a couple of guys take turns squirting seltzer water

down the front of each other’s pants it might make the whole thing

acceptable, or perhaps with John Wayne in the starring role.

In this version, John Wayne is, of course, the hero. The crows have

taken over the ranch, the farm, the village, the whole damned township,

in connection with the villain, a sleazy character with no chin, shifty

eyes, a slouch and probably halitosis. John Wayne rides into town, and

you pretty much know the rest of the story.

However, as John Wayne is no longer available, the next solution to

the whole problem is a falcon -- a great, big, nasty crow-eating falcon.

And it just so happens there is a man who has a pet falcon. I know that

those of us who have dogs or cats may find it a bit of a puzzle as to

just why anyone would have a hawk, but who am I to set community pet

standards? This guy is a falconer, and it seems this guy and his hawk

were hired to rid a town of too many crows, and so he just let his hawk

off his wrist, and the next thing you know -- no more crows.

And so my suggestion to those in charge is that you hire this guy with

the falcon. If he can do what they say, he will get rid of all our local

crows. They will either be dead or in Mexico, which may be a little

unfair to our neighbors to the south, but if it gets to be a problem for

them, they can hire the guy too.

* ROBERT GARDNER is a Corona del Mar resident and a former judge. His

column runs Tuesdays.