‘XXX’ is exxxtra bad; ‘Blood Work’ shows Clint Eastwood’s age

Vin Diesel’s ‘XXX’ lacks 007 panache

“XXX,” the new spy thriller starring Vin Diesel, is the epitome of

a bad summer blockbuster. Obviously driven by the need to create

another action vehicle for Diesel after the immense success of “The

Fast and the Furious,” the filmmakers slapped this mess together and

rolled out the hype machine to ensure a huge opening.

Diesel plays infamous extreme-sport athlete Xander Cage, who films

his own zany antics, such as stealing a senator’s car and driving it

off a bridge, and shows them on his Web site. When the National

Security Agency’s spies are unable to infiltrate a group of Eastern

European anarchists (the movie begins with an agent trying to blend

in at a heavy-metal rock concert wearing a tuxedo a la Bond and

getting killed by the bad guys), they give Cage an offer he can’t

refuse. Either work for them or spend the rest of his life in prison

for his wacky extreme-sport crimes.

Not being a fan of prison life, Cage (now dubbed “XXX” for the

tattoo on the back of his neck and because if convicted it would be

his third strike) becomes a secret agent and seems to run into

situations left and right where his extreme-sports experience comes

in handy. Gee, what a coincidence. From snowboarding to parachuting

to racing cars, the filmmakers manage to ensure that every extreme

sport is covered by the time the end credits roll.

Advertised as an updated James Bond, “XXX” is nothing more than a

12-year-old boy’s fantasy. Diesel’s character rails against authority

with seemingly teenage angst and has a skateboard ramp in his living

room (how neato!). He is famous for performing silly stunts and he

refuses to “sell-out” by accepting corporate sponsorship. He parties

every night, and his biggest problem is turning away all of the

scantily clad women who are offering themselves to him. Then he gets

sent on a secret mission and manages to save the world.

“XXX” borrows numerous elements from the Bond films but handles

them so clumsily that it comes off like a bad spoof. The film has a

car with every gadget under the sun, including a harpoon. And it is a

good thing, because the main character has to harpoon a doomsday

submarine that looks like a spaceship from a Flash Gordon movie and

is even named “Ahab” by the sinister anarchists. Women are

shamelessly objectified throughout the film, and the movie even ends

in the classic Bond fashion with our hero trying to bed down with a

sexy girl while his boss tries to contact him with congratulations

and news of another mission.

“XXX” is a perfect example of how Hollywood, in its relentless

pursuit of the teenage market, has forgotten that adults like to

watch action movies too. But if you are on vacation from junior high

school and you haven’t spent all of your allowance yet, get yourself

down to the Cineplex and check this one out.

“XXX” is rated PG-13 for violence, nonstop action sequences,

sensuality, drug content and language.

* RYAN GILMORE is a Costa Mesa resident and a fan of action

films.

Eastwood brings ‘Blood Work’ to life

Clint Eastwood acts his age, presenting “Blood Work” without much

bloodshed. The 72-year-old plays Terry McCaleb, a retired FBI agent

who has a heart problem that has been corrected by surgery. McCaleb

is on a daily regimen of 34 pills. But there is unfinished business

in McCaleb’s past, and he’s still on the trail of an insidious

murderer.

Angelica Huston plays Dr. Bonnie Fox, the heart surgeon

campaigning to keep McCaleb retired and alive. Wanda De Jesus plays

Graciella Rivers, who wants McCaleb to pursue the culprit who

murdered her sister. He is reluctant but ends up helping anyway.

Tina Lifford plays a supportive law enforcement person who helps

McCaleb even though department naysayers want him out of their way.

Jeff Daniels is the ever-present errand boy Buddy Noone; his main

reason for being seems to be drinking beer, but genial Buddy has a

deadly agenda.

The cinematography of sunsets and beaches was really special and

the music track credited to Lennie Niehaus is a classic.

“Blood Work” is rated R for violence and language.

* ELAINE ENGLAND lives in Newport Beach and owns a gift-basket

business she operates out of her home.