Respect cannot be demanded

Not long ago, my 12-year-old daughter and I talked about

discrimination and how it can often be as evil as physical violence.

I told her I hoped that she would keep an open mind and not judge

anyone based on the color of their skin, their religion or sexual

identification.

It was the sexual identity part that hit home when I read about

the application for and subsequent holding of the “Orange County Dyke

March” down Harbor Boulevard.

I believe the march organizers had good intentions. Reading

between the lines of the public statements they made, it seemed clear

to me that all they wanted was for the community to recognize them as

people who work and play and live and die in this community the same

as you and me. They want people to know that their sexuality does

not, and should not, prevent them from owning their own home or

holding a good job or working to stop the pollution of our oceans.

They wanted respect.

I also believe that the marchers were trying to make Mr. and Mrs.

Jones understand that being gay or lesbian is not just a matter of

one’s sexual orientation. It involves a way of life that runs

parallel to theirs but often has to be disguised in order to move

fluidly through the straight world. Most of them will tell you that

it is not an easy life.

As a Jew or Muslim will tell you that their religion is not just

about their belief in or allegiance to a god, but a manner in which

they conduct themselves and live their lives, so it is with the gay

and lesbian community.

Their lives are much more than their sexual orientation. Contrary

to popular belief, the gay and lesbian community is not obsessed with

sex (certainly no more than is the straight world) and they are not

out to convert our sons and daughters to their way of life. The

parade was an attempt to show this.

But it will take much more than a march to make believers out of

skeptics. Those kinds of assessments come not because a few people

managed to get a parade permit but because they hold steady jobs for

a long time, pay their fair share of taxes, obey the laws of the land

and give back to the community in which they live. Then, and only

then, will respect be earned; respect, it should be noted, that is

irrespective of their gender affiliation.

Respect cannot be achieved by being the loudest or by demanding it

through a parade permit. Respect must also be given in order to be

received. On that day, the marchers did not respect the views of

local parents.

In one day, the marchers threatened to undo much of what many

parents have worked so hard to achieve over the years, for we tell

our children that they are to be defined not by what they say they

are but what they do. Their sexuality, whatever it happens to be, is

not a public matter despite the many forces, mostly in the media,

working to convince them otherwise.

For about five years in at least four different publications, I

have railed on the emphasis of sexuality -- homosexual or

heterosexual -- in our culture and the very negative impact it is

having on our children. “Too much, too soon” is the phrase I used

back in 1997.

One of the great casualties of the Dyke March is that Costa Mesa

Councilwoman Libby Cowan was pulled into the debate by march

organizers, who wanted to use her voice for their own gain. The

march’s organizers had hoped that she would lend her credibility and

authority to support the cause, but in the end they dealt that very

same cause a setback. For it was not Cowan’s hard work and experience

upon which they leaned, not her many contributions to the growth and

development of this city, it was merely her sexual orientation that

they wanted to use to legitimize their presence.

Cowan could teach the march organizers a thing or two about how

respect is earned, for she is a great credit to this city; as

intelligent and thoughtful as anyone who has sat on the dais. She has

earned not only my respect but the respect of her peers and thousands

of residents of this city by working hard. Nothing more, nothing

less.

Like the sunrise, I always come back to the lessons we teach our

children by our actions. The day of the march, I hope that children

learned that rights do not guarantee respect.

* STEVE SMITH is a Costa Mesa resident and freelance writer.

Readers may leave a message for him on the Daily Pilot hotline at

(949) 642-6086.