Handy tips on how to vote any election
I know you hate it. But we have to do it. It is time.
“For what?” you ask.
“For the Campaign 2002 Peter B. Election Handbook,” I answer. Pay
attention. This is important.
Section 1 -- “Selecting a Candidate.” I can’t believe how many
people fret and stress over picking a candidate. I just don’t get it.
It is so easy. Remember, just read the campaign mail and listen to
the commercials. Everything in them is true. It has to be. It’s the
law.
Personally, I find the commercials especially helpful. Never vote
for the people who are in black and white and have a sour look on
their face and move in slow motion with spooky, ominous music in the
background. Only vote for the people who are in color and smile a lot
and move at normal speed and hug somebody, anybody, with inspiring,
uplifting music in the background.
Let’s go right to the big one: Section 1A -- “Governor of
California.” Simple. Just pick the candidate who repulses you less.
Section 1B -- “All Other Races.” This takes a little more work.
Only vote for people whose campaign mail has a picture of one or more
of the following: a fire engine, a police car, senior citizens and/or
kids, ideally their own, and a nature scene.
Never, ever vote for anyone who doesn’t promise to “protect our
quality of life.” That’s important. If possible, pick someone who
wants “to make our city [county or state] a better place.” Be wary of
anyone who wants to “make our city [county or state] a worse place.”
That’s a bad thing. Don’t vote for them. And they get extra credit if
they want to “make our city [county or state] a better place to live,
work and raise a family.” Make sure they say that.
Section 1C -- “Selecting a Candidate: Newport Beach, Costa Mesa.”
Each city has its nuances but, again, trust the campaign mail and the
ads. It’s all true.
In Costa Mesa, they have to say something about the Westside. By
now, it doesn’t matter what, as long as they say something. I don’t
care if they want to fix it, change it, leave it alone, move it to
the Eastside, paint it or sell it -- as long as they say something
about it.
In Newport Beach, keep an eye out for two things. First, the
airport. We’ve gotten past the point where it was “all airport, all
the time,” but the airport is still big. I would just pick the
candidate who mentions “airport,” “airports,” or any combination of
“air” and “port” the most times. They get a full point for “John
Wayne Airport,” “JWA,” “El Toro airport,” “El Toro” and “the
airport.” They get half a point for “I need some air,” “I like a
glass of port after dinner,” “a breath of fresh air” and “which is
starboard and which is port?” Foreign language usage, “L’Air du
Temps,” and derivatives -- “Didn’t they just aerate the greens?” --
get a quarter of a point.
Second, never, ever vote for anyone who supports, encourages or
has ever said the word “development,” which is probably the worst
thing that can happen to a city. Once you have development, you have
tax revenues. And once you have tax revenues, you have streets,
schools, libraries, emergency services and recreational facilities.
And once that sets in, it is a downward spiral that cannot be
stopped. You are done, finito, kaput, over-and-out and pretty soon
PCH will be jammed with people streaming out of town with their
belongings strapped to their cars like a scene from “The Grapes of
Wrath.” Most will head north, to Stanton, where a person can live and
breathe free, without any threat of development whatsoever. If you
look at what’s happened to Newport Beach in the last 10 years or so,
one of the most desirable cities in the world has been reduced to
being one of the most desirable cities in the world. Something has to
be done I tell you.
Section 2 -- “Party Affiliation.” Couldn’t be simpler. Republicans
should just vote for “Reagan Republicans.” Only very special
candidates get to call themselves that. And they have to promise to
continue the “Reagan Revolution.” Make sure it says that. Democrats
should only vote for candidates who are “for the people” and against
“business” and “the rich.” If we could just purge this country of
businesses and wealth, we’d be so much better off.
Section 2 -- “Slate Mailers.” These are very informative and they
come from very important organizations. There is the “Policy Issues
Newsletter” slate mailer, the “Conservative Voting Guide” from the
“Non-Partisan Candidate Evaluation Council” and my personal favorite,
the “Save Prop. 13 Voters Guide,” which always has that great picture
of Howard Jarvis shaking his fist at us on the cover. I would have
thought Howard might have lost interest in politics by now,
considering he passed away in 1986, but apparently not.
Here is the key to understanding slate mailers. It’s one word --
“asterisk.” Find the box labeled “Notice to Voters.” Read the last
line: “Appearance is paid for and authorized by each candidate and
ballot measure which is designated by an *.” Now look at the list of
names and ballot measures again. See? Almost every name and measure
on there has an asterisk. Be that as it may, nobody, but nobody, gets
the endorsement of these organizations until their check clears. No
exceptions, not ever, no how. It’s the law.
So there you have it. Everything you need to know about Campaign
2002. If you’ve already voted absentee, you are a good citizen. If
you haven’t, cut out this handbook, take it with you on Tuesday, and
just be grateful this isn’t Florida. I gotta go.
* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs
Sundays. He may be reached via e-mail at PtrB4@aol.com.
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