Simple lessons for better parenting

One of the reasons I like Jerry’s Deli is because the menu has so

many different items on it.

That monster menu came in handy when Dr. Bunni Tobias and I were

trying to figure out a place to meet for lunch. I am a pastrami on

rye. “Dr. Bunni” is a green salad without iceberg lettuce.

Dr. Bunni and I were brought together and joined by Kim Craft

(chop salad) of Echo Media Group in Tustin. Dr. Bunni is a mother and

grandmother and Kim is a mom, so we had lots to talk about.

Dr. Bunni is a licensed educational psychologist who has worked

with kids for more than 30 years. It seems that Dr. Bunni wants to do

the impossible, which is perfectly understandable if you know her.

Dr. Bunni is preparing a series of symposiums to help teachers,

parents and kids make the most out of their time together. She has

proven, effective, common-sense techniques for each of those three

groups. But more than that, I sense that Dr. Bunni really wants to

make a difference.

For example, Dr. Bunni routinely tries to achieve the impossible

task of convincing parents that their kid does not have attention

deficit disorder and does not need drugs to act like a “normal” kid.

Instead, Dr. Bunni looks for “look alike” behaviors that mimic

ADD. Dr. Bunni also has a parenting program called “Simple Sanity,”

in which she offers real-life solutions to the challenges faced by

parents.

“I come up with real simple solutions that make a difference.” she

said. “That gives people an opportunity to experience success. Then,

they are open to more and more solutions.”

No chicken soup here, folks, this is meat and potatoes.

Last August, Dr. Bunni sponsored a symposium at Whittier Law

School to address issues relating to the early care and education of

young children. At that time, early-care advocates and professionals

came together with the goal of educating parents and raising the

level of awareness about the role that parents can play in the care

of their children when they are not present.

At our lunch, Dr. Bunni offered this analogy to the part-time

parenting we see today: “How much weight would you lose if you dieted

only on weekends?”

Dr. Bunni knows her stuff and she is genuinely concerned about

what is happening to our children. Dr. Bunni laughs and smiles often,

which is a good thing. She even incorporates that into a parenting

philosophy.

“You don’t have to have a high I.Q.,” she said. “You just have to

have a good sense of humor.”

Her humor showed when she told me how she advised one parent on

choosing the right day-care center: “I told her to look at the kids

leaving the center. If they’re clean, don’t send your kid there.”

Her methods are down to earth. “I look at what works and simplify

it -- I make it idiot proof -- and I give people itsy bitsy things to

accomplish,” she said. “By doing something just a little bit

different, people are amazed at the results they get, which makes

change less threatening.”

Dr. Bunni talked about yelling at kids. “Don’t have ‘fly by’

communication,” she said. “If you expect your kid to listen to you,

have eye contact with them. That way they will be sure to get the

message and can’t say, ‘I didn’t hear you.’”

That one piece of advice may make life easier for parents and kids

everywhere. First, it will cut down on the long-distance yelling --

which is parenting by remote control and not an effective way to

communicate.

Second, it will prevent parents from having to make the same

request over and over. That will reduce anger and frustration.

Finally, I asked Dr. Bunni to give me one pearl of wisdom, one

action that parents can take today to improve their relationship with

their kids.

Without hesitating, she said: “When you wake them up in the

morning, say ‘Good morning. I love you and I’m glad you’re in my

life.’”

I tried that and it worked. It was nice for once not having to be

the morning drill sergeant.

At the Smith house, we’ve got our share of challenges. But right

now, I’m concerned with the many food analogies peppering this

column. I may have to go to Jerry’s for coffee and think about that.

* STEVE SMITH is a Costa Mesa resident and freelance writer.

Readers may leave a message for him on the Daily Pilot hotline at

(949) 642-6086.