The customer is always weak

WHAT’S SO FUNNY

We have an interesting, zesty grocery situation in Laguna because

of various openings, reopenings and changes of ownership. It’s kind

of swirly. Lucky’s is Ralphs is Albertson’s is Vons is Pavilion’s is

Wild Oats was Acord’s.

All these changes took place some time ago, but I’ve never quite

caught up. When I say I’m going out for groceries and Patti Jo asks,

“Where?” I have no idea.

Each place has its points. This one is open all night, that one

has chocolate chip muffins. They all have something.

There’s one thing they all seem to do, too, except maybe for Wild

Oats, and I wish they wouldn’t.

I was in a good mood the other day. I’d just met a deadline, and

the people to whom I’d sent my work couldn’t possibly dislike it

because they hadn’t gotten it yet. I was virtuous and relaxed,

feeling lean and sharp and just ... kickin’.

So I went to the grocery to get some fixings for my special

holiday chicken. It might have been Ralphs, it might have been

Albertson’s, I don’t know.

I was sailing along, happy and peppy, with a smile for everyone.

... And I went through checkout and got my little plastic sacks. ...

And the bagger asked me, “Need some help to your car with that?”

Now that has to be, all good intentions aside, the most depressing

question imaginable to ask a man whose hair is still brown.

I’m not a kid, but by golly I’m in good shape except for this

trick shoulder, and it’s going to be a little bit yet before I need

help to the car with my groceries. But I’m hearing it just about

every time now.

“Can you use some help with that?” It’s shaking my confidence.

Now, I assume this solicitude isn’t just directed at me. I assume

it’s an overall policy on the part of the stores to show

consideration to their customers in general. That’s what I assume.

But there must be some rule of thumb they give the baggers,

something to look for in the customer that triggers the question.

I’ll bet they’re not asking Surf Boy if he needs help to his vehicle.

There’s gotta be profiling going on. Whatever it is, they’re getting

a strong “needs help” read on me.

And I feel fine. Or I did until I went to the store.

So Ralph, or Albertson, next time, if you want to show

consideration, say something else, I don’t care what -- “Lookin’

good,” or “Shove off,” or “Stop! Thief!” Anything. Because if you

keep asking that question, pretty soon I’m gonna have to say yes.

Sherwood Kiraly is a Laguna resident in the prime of life.

* SHERWOOD KIRALY is a Laguna Beach resident. He has written four

novels, three of which were critically acclaimed.