Apart for the holidays

Suzie Harrison

The holidays are a time for family to be together and celebrate.

But when social differences of opinion surface, many gay couples can

be forced into a harsh decision.

“I know the conflict of spending time with the one you love and

your family,” Laguna resident Ryan Lenhart, 24, said. “The two have

been mutually exclusive. I chose the boyfriend over the family. I

wish it was different -- that it could be with my boyfriend and my

family.”

He was quick to point out an advantage.

“The flip side is we have much more fabulous places to go to,”

Lenhart said.

He explained that his family is very religious and being gay

doesn’t fit into the plan.

Lenhart’s boyfriend, local Jeff Mourer, 29, has experienced the

holidays a little differently and is looking forward to spending

their first Christmas together.

It’s only been a few years since Mourer has been out to his

family. One of the reasons he didn’t come out sooner to them is that

he didn’t want them involved in his personal life.

“They were very supportive of me being gay and a little bummed

they missed out on my personal life because I didn’t tell them for

years,” Mourer said.

For Laguna resident Abe Brittain, 30, the holidays have never been

a problem.

He said he has a supportive family, but has watched the troubles

many friends go through during the season.

One of his friends had come out during the holidays and was

immediately kicked out of his parents house, and another friend was

afraid to come out to her father.

“That would be hard, really sad,” Brittain said. “I can’t imagine

a family not being accepting of someone who just wants to be honest

with themselves.”

The California native said he thinks the prejudice is societal.

“It depends on where you live,” he said, adding that Christmases

with his family and his ex-boyfriend were free of conflict.

“We would do what normal people do -- get a Christmas tree and

ornaments. Then we’d go our separate ways. He’d go to his parents,

and I would go to mine. We’d buy presents for each other’s family,

and everyone was supportive.”

The hard part of the holidays for him now is being single after

getting used to spending the holidays with his long-time boyfriend.

Mourer has never spent a holiday with his family and his

boyfriend.

“This will be a first,” Mourer said. “I think it’s awesome. Since

I told my family that I’m gay, they want to include me. They want me

to know that they understand and want me to be a part of their lives.

They want the real me to be a part of their lives.”

Back in high school, Mourer and his then-boyfriend were

comfortable being open with his boyfriend’s parents, but not his.

“I finished Christmas as fast as I could with my family to be with

the one I wanted to be with.”

For Lenhart, his mother and sister have started to get to know

Mourer and are very supportive.

“The rest of the family just isn’t there,” Lenhart said. “I kind

of think they have their priorities and I have mine. But I get to

spend the holidays with my baby.”

Lenhart and Mourer said they don’t know of any differences for gay

and straight persons for the holidays.

“From my experience, I know that when I’m having the holiday with

the person I want to be with, I think we get to truly experience the

holiday -- the love for one another -- which the holidays are

supposed to be all about.”

Brittain concurred that the holidays are about love, people and

unconditional acceptance.

“I haven’t experienced it any other way,” Lenhart said.

* SUZIE HARRISON is a reporter for the Laguna Beach Coastline

Pilot. She may be reached at 494-4321 or suzie.harrison@latimes.com.