Resolutions and predictions

It’s that time of year again. Time to think about all of the

things you should have done or wanted to do in 2002 and resolve to do

them in 2003.

Of course, it doesn’t help that the things you wanted to do in

2002 are the same things you wanted to do in 2001 (and possibly as

far back as 1994), but that’s another story.

I’ll save you the trouble of making a new list for 2003 by

providing it for you now:

* Lose weight;

* Exercise more;

* Eat more healthfully;

* Spend more time with the family. ...

That should cover it.

This is also the time of year when most of the media squeezes out

a few extra bucks by publishing or broadcasting a “Year in Review,”

as though you hadn’t been around to see or hear any of it.

But this year-end is different. This year-end, you are going to

read some real year-end news as I present the fifth annual “Criswell

Memorial Year-end Predictions,” or CMYP for you acronym junkies.

To recap, Charles “Criswell” King was a prognosticator who

appeared in some very bad movies directed by the legendary Ed Wood.

Criswell’s career got off to a brilliant start. In his very first

public prediction during a stint as a TV weatherman, he accurately

predicted the next day’s weather without the benefit of a

meteorological report.

Late in his career, Criswell appeared every New Year’s Eve on the

“Tonight” show with Johnny Carson to present his latest batch of

wacky predictions. He was rarely right, although science is now

catching up with him and improving his batting average each year.

For instance, Criswell predicted that in 1983, “Female baldness

due to gaseous fumes polluting the city’s air would plague St. Louis,

Mo. Husbands would then flock to divorce courts to separate from

their baldheaded wives.”

If you’ve been to St. Louis recently, you know that the sharp rise

in wig sales means that this is already happening.

Criswell also predicted that in 1980 a sudden release of gas from

a large chamber would cause cannibalism in Pittsburgh, Pa. “Over

1,000 flesh-mad and blood-crazed men will wander the streets,

suddenly attacking unsuspecting victims.” In Pittsburgh, this also

came true. It is known as a city council meeting.

He was right again when he predicted that in 1979 “scientists will

use a ‘ray treatment’ to cure juvenile delinquency, converting

patients into ‘meek conformists.’” That ray treatment is now known as

television.

So, with fond memories and due respect to Criswell, here are this

year’s predictions:

1. In his first official act, Allan Mansoor, newly elected Costa

Mesa city councilman, whose day job is as an Orange County Sheriff,

will arrest fellow Councilman Chris Steel for impersonating a city

councilman.

2. Huscroft House, now deteriorating and sitting on blocks at

TeWinkle Park, will have its needed repairs performed by citizens

with carpentry skills who have been arrested by the Costa Mesa police

in exchange for lighter sentences. Miscommunication will occur and

these convicted criminals will accidentally install bars on the

windows.

3. The Newport Beach Boat Parade committee will deny entry to John

Crean, who wants to enter the light show with a submarine.

4. Crean will change his mind and enter instead a floating

recreational vehicle.

5. A Chinese spy satellite will identify only one U.S. location at

night all year. Upon examination, it will have been determined to be

the Trinity Broadcasting Co. building during the Christmas season.

6. A new Westside improvement committee will be formed in Costa

Mesa. They will determine that nothing needs to be done and that most

of the complaining about the area comes from people who don’t live,

work or shop there.

7. The Daily Pilot will run an update on Wendy Leece in June. That

will be followed by 12 letters to the editor stating how much they

dislike seeing her name in the paper -- unless it’s in a letter they

wrote.

8. A school in Newport-Mesa will actually receive funding from the

local tax increase of 2000 and construction will begin.

9. Rep. Dana Rohrabacher will suggest an invasion and occupation

of Iraq’s tiny shoreline, proclaiming, “Saddam don’t surf!”

10. A contractor will actually show up on time for a job somewhere

in Newport-Mesa and complete it on schedule and under budget.

11. The employees at our local Starbucks will petition the

headquarters in Seattle to offer eggnog lattes year-round. This will

be followed by s’mores lattes and Mike ‘N Ike lattes.

Have a safe and healthy 2003.

* STEVE SMITH is a Costa Mesa resident and freelance writer.

Readers may leave a message for him on the Daily Pilot hotline at

(949) 642-6086.