Gazing into the 2003 crystal ball

I am not here. Are you? I am way over to the right, in a faraway

place called New York. It’s a place where things move fast and people

move faster. But just because we are in a distant land for New Year’s

celebrations and libations does not mean we shirk our

responsibilities, does it? It most assuredly does not.

With that in mind, do you know what time it is? It is time for the

annual Peter “How-the-Heck-Does-He- Know-That?” Buffa predictions.

Each year, I share with you my prodigious powers of prognostication

and predilection for prediction. I have no idea what it means either,

but I like all the “p” sounds.

Am I really clairvoyant? You must be joking. Is the Pope Italian?

Hear me on this. I have a gift. I see things. I hear things.

Sometimes I see things and I hear things. Sometimes I see things, but

I don’t hear them. Other times I hear things, but I don’t see them.

It just depends.

There’s no modest way to say this, but my success rate is, well,

phenomenal -- 96.4% to be exact. How can I say that? Easy. I’m lying.

It’s a psychic joke. If you were gifted, you’d laugh and laugh. We

begin.

On Feb. 7, Saddam Hussein will announce that he is expelling the

UN weapons inspectors, effective immediately. According to Iraqi

foreign minister Tariq Aziz, “All these allegations about chemical

and nuclear weapons in Iraq are malicious lies spread by Dave Ellis

and his telephone bank.”

On March 10, Jim and Jean Templeton of Corona del Mar will rent an

electric Duffy and celebrate their 25th anniversary with a sunset

cruise around the harbor. As they head back, a terrible pea soup fog

will roll in without warning. The Templetons will become lost and

disoriented, unwittingly making their way through the harbor entrance

and out to sea. Twenty-two days later, they will be spotted just off

Molokai by a Coast Guard cutter and make headlines around the world

as the first people to travel from the U.S. to Hawaii in a dead

Duffy.

“By daybreak, the batteries went south and we went west,” Jim

Templeton will say. “We were scared, but thank God we had enough

chardonnay and cheese to keep us alive.”

“I buy those big Gouda wedges at Costco,” Jean Templeton will add,

“the red ones.”

On March 21, Trent Lott will resign from the United States Senate,

blaming his downfall on the Dave Ellis phone bank. On April 9th, the

University of Washington and the Natural Resources Defense Council

will release a report that finally pinpoints what’s eating a hole in

the ozone layer and causing global warming: ficus trees. By May, the

battle between Costa Mesa and Fountain Valley over the Gisler Bridge

will turn ugly. Thousands of people will line both sides of the Santa

Ana River channel, screaming and making inappropriate gestures at

each other: “More bridge.” “Less traffic.” “More bridge!” “Less

traffic!”

On July 11, Winona Ryder will finally break her silence on her

unauthorized shopping spree at Saks to Barbara Walters on ABC’s

20/20. “They wanted to make an example of me,” Ryder will claim. “Of

course I’m bitter. None of this would have happened if it hadn’t been

for Dave Ellis.”

On Aug. 15, after structural flaws are found in two other 405/55

flyovers, Caltrans will shut down the entire project and deed the new

improvements to Costa Mesa, which will finally have a skateboard

park. Timmy Lewis of College Park will be the honorary first rider at

the new “Bott’s Dots Bowl.”

“It’s cool,” Timmy will enthuse. “Skating the side walls is rad,

except the traffic down below is scary.”

On Tuesday after Labor Day, a new preschool in Newport Beach --

L’Ecole d’Argent -- will open and become the first preschool in the

country with a tuition of $25,000 per semester. According to

preschool admissions consultant Virginia Mason, “It’s a little

pricey, but it’s money well-spent. The right preschool opens doors to

some of the top-tier elementary schools. Remember, by the fifth

grade, it’s over.”

Just before Thanksgiving, six killer whales will beach themselves

just north of The Wedge. The clean-up will be supervised by marine

biologist Dennis Kelly, chair of the Marine Science Department at

Orange Coast College.

“We won’t really know what caused this until we do some further

analysis,” Kelly will say. “But I suspect it was either a brain

parasite, or the Dave Ellis phone bank.”

So there you have it. I am done. Completely and utterly spent. I

can see and hear nothing more. Wait ... no, forget it. I thought I

heard something. Welcome the New Year as if it were a year that is

new, skip the resolutions, live your dream. I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached via e-mail at PtrB4@aol.com.