The wind, by any other name

Little pigs, little pigs ... let me in!” “Not by the hairs on our

chinny chin chins!” “Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your

house in!” You know the rest. But what those Santa Ana winds last

Sunday night? I’ll give you huff and puff.

By the wee hours, everything in the backyard was swirling around,

banging or flapping or just waving goodbye and flying off into the

night. We’ve been in these parts a good long time and that had to be

the bell-ringer as Santa Ana winds go. Actually, we don’t have the

market cornered on strange, seasonal winds. They happen everywhere.

The Pacific Northwest version is called “the Chinooks,” and in

Northern California, it’s “the Diablo.” I’ve had some personal

experience in Sicily, with the “Scirroco” that blows across the

Mediterranean from North Africa in the late afternoon. It’s not as

strong as the Santa Ana’s, but the Scirroco gives new definition to

“hot air” -- sometimes upwards of 120 degrees Fahrenheit. But what

causes these things? And why is our version called the Santa Ana

Winds?

I found two theories about the name, both of which get plenty of

play on the Internet. The first is romantic, and the other

scientific. For the romantics in the crowd, the idea is that the

Santa Ana’s are named for Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna, the fearsome

Mexican general who was very rude to the people at the Alamo, Davy

Crockett included. The fierce, hot Santa Ana winds blow in from the

south and overwhelm everything in their path, as did General Santa

Anna. Very poetic, but unfortunately, very wrong. The Santa Ana’s

don’t come from the south. They come from the north and the east.

They’re born in the Great Basin that lies between the Sierra’s and

the Rockies, in the vast desert areas of Nevada and Utah. The winds

rotate faster and faster in a downward spiral, rotating clockwise

toward the California coast. By the time they reach the surface and

the coastal areas (that’s us,) a process called “compressional

heating” makes them real hot, real dry and really, really strong, or

what scientists call -- “real hot, real dry, and really, really

strong.”

So what does any of this have to do with the name? Well maybe, if

we keep our pants on, we’ll find out, won’t we? Do you know where

Santa Ana Canyon is? Of course you do. When you make your way north

on the 91 Freeway toward Riverside, you’re driving right smack dab

through the Santa Ana Canyon. And that, my windblown friend, is where

the Santa Ana’s get their name. When the spiraling winds hit the

Santa Ana Canyon, another phenomenon called “Bernoulli’s Law” takes

over. I’ll try to explain Bernoulli’s Law to you. It’s simple. You’ve

got your “horizontal fluid flow” and your “decreased static pressure”

and then things happen, followed by other things, and before you know

it, those really, really strong winds get much, much stronger -- what

we scientists call “much, much stronger.” Interesting. You didn’t

laugh the first time either. At least you’re consistent.

But when it was all said and done, the best explanation of the

Santa Ana winds I found came from, of all people, Raymond Chandler --

the great mystery writer. Actually, I prefer Dash Hammett, except I

have no idea why I brought that up. How embarrassing. But check this

out, from Chandler’s “Red Wind”: “ ... those hot dry winds that come

down through the mountain passes and curl your hair and make your

nerves jump and your skin itch. On nights like that ... anything can

happen.” Doesn’t leave much to say about the Santa Ana’s, does it?

But that’s a good thing, because I wanted to save a little room for

the kind of story I live for.

A Michigan organization called “Lawsuit Abuse Watch” tracks

frivolous and just plain stupid lawsuits across the country and, each

year, holds a “Wacky Warning Label” contest. There are some

exceedingly strange warning labels out there, as you know, and they

are inevitably the result of a lawsuit against some company that some

poor soul in the legal department of another company is trying to

protect his or her company from. This year’s winner was submitted by

Jim De Angelis of Pleasanton, California, who found this label on a

massage recliner from the “Human Touch Technology” company: “Do not

use massage chair without clothing. Never force any body part into

the backrest area while the rollers are moving.” Frankly, I am much,

much more interested in the details of the lawsuit that was the

origin of this label than in how the Santa Ana winds got their name.

“Do not use massage chair without clothing” I can understand. But

it’s the second part that mystifies me. If you know how this label

came to be, please let me know at your earliest convenience. If

you’re interested, previous years’ winners included: on a Conair

Pro-Style 1600 hairdryer: “Do not use in shower. Never use while

sleeping.” On a fold-up baby stroller: “Step 1 -- Remove baby.” On

the box for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” On a

safety card in the magazine pocket of a seat on Cayman Airlines: “If

you are seated in an exit aisle and are unable to read this, please

ask a stewardess to reseat you.” On a pack of Ray-O-Vac batteries:

“If swallowed or lodged in ear or nose, see doctor.” And my favorite

on a box of Nytol: “Warning -- May Cause Drowsiness.” See? Simple.

Watch out for the Santa Ana’s, and if you take Nytol, stay awake. I

gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached via e-mail at PtrB4@aol.com.