Protecting children from divorce

In a perfect world, families would include a mom, a dad and kids.

They would love and support each other and communicate effectively.

But at least half of the family world in America is far from perfect.

This half results in divorce, which, despite any evidence you’ve

read to the contrary, is devastating to children.

Divorce happens for one reason and one reason only: Couples do not

take enough time to really get to know the person with whom they plan

to spend the rest of their lives. They don’t take the time to sniff

out any substance abuse potential, any violent tendencies or their

future mate’s ability to manage finances.

Money problems are a major reason why couples divorce. Money

problems are also a chief reason why divorces go bad and result in

vicious displays of pettiness and revenge, often witnessed by the

children who had no responsibility for their parent’s mistakes.

I don’t like to think of divorce and families. It hurts me to do

so, because I conjure up images of sad kids.

Violet Woodhouse is an attorney and certified financial planner

who also doesn’t like to see sad kids. So she wrote a book to try to

help divorcing parents minimize the financial hassles of a divorce so

that the hurt to kids is kept to a minimum.

If you’re in a good marriage, count your blessings, but please

don’t stop reading this because you don’t think divorce doesn’t

matter to you. The chances are good that you know someone who is

going through a divorce, and if so, I want to recommend Woodhouse’s

book “Divorce and Money” (Nolo Press), written with Dale Fetherling.

“The book was written to helps separate the financial issues from

the emotional ones,” Woodhouse told me. “When you’re in a divorce,

it’s hard to hard to see the forest for the trees.”

We got on the subject of divorce and kids.

“A child’s needs don’t lessen during a divorce, they increase,”

Woodhouse said. “During a divorce, parents have more stress and it

seems like it doesn’t stop. One reason is that the money doesn’t

increase, it decreases. People then become less productive because so

much time devoted to the demands of litigation. And people shut

down.”

One of the areas that parents shut down is in the care of the

kids. Somehow, we’ve been conditioned to accept the “resiliency” of a

child; that in the long run, they’ll be OK.

That is nonsense. Kids are a high maintenance proposition and, as

Woodhouse pointed out, even more needy during a divorce than ever

before.

“Kids are concerned about any changes in their environment,”

Woodhouse said. “They need stability more than anyone else in the

divorce process because they are concerned about the loss of their

parents. Kids don’t want a 20% parent, they want a 50% parent.”

In many divorces, parents own a house in which they live with

their kids. During the divorce, the house gets sold so the profits

can be shared equally. But kids lose because they are yanked

heartlessly from their world and put into another.

But one couple I know kept the house and, instead of making the

kids leave and shuttle them back and forth between two new homes, the

kids live there permanently -- same schools, same friends and almost

the same world. The parents take turns moving in and out each week.

It’s not the best option -- that would be reconciliation -- but it

beats selling the house.

I like Woodhouse and I like the book. Actually, they are a mirror

of each other. Both are straightforward, intelligent and full of a

lot of common sense. The book has financial advice from A to Z, plus

most of a chapter on child support and the emotional issues of a

divorce.

Topics covered include custody considerations, child support,

child-rearing costs, including college, health insurance and the

aforementioned emotional matters.

The practical advice Woodhouse dispenses is obvious to anyone not

going through a divorce.

“If divorcing couples are not able to communicate effectively,

they can figure to spend 10 times more in attorney fees because

they’ll fight each other to the death,” she said. “That’s a major

shift of wealth from them to their lawyers.”

As for advice to parents, Woodhouse says: “Tell the kids it’s not

their fault. Parents need to stop dragging their kids into the

divorce. Leave the children out of it. Parents will determine how

well or how poorly their children survive the divorce.”

Violet Woodhouse will be signing copies of her book “Divorce and

Money” at the Borders store in South Coast Plaza on Feb. 8 at 2 p.m.

For more information, call the store at (714) 279-8933.

* STEVE SMITH is a Costa Mesa resident and freelance writer.

Readers may leave a message for him on the Daily Pilot hotline at

(949) 642-6086.