Coral WilsonIt’s the same old story from...
Coral Wilson
It’s the same old story from cartoons and mythology: good versus
evil, right versus wrong. That’s not a good thing in any
relationship.
After 14 years of counseling couples out of her Newport Beach
office, Maxine Cohen said the human tendency to see the world in
terms of right and wrong is a source of recurring conflict among
couples, family members and even nations.
“I think people’s differentness scares us at some level, and what
we do is make them wrong, and we are right,” she said. “There can be
two rights.”
Fighting happens at all levels of human relationships. In a
marriage, Cohen said, a person’s identity may be threatened by subtle
differences, and small disagreements can be signs of perpetual
problems.
“Perpetual problems are about issues that run really deep --
hopes, dreams and wishes you have for yourself, ways in which you
identify yourself with the things that go on around you and how you
need to have your world,” she said.
While some problems are solvable, perpetual problems can lead to
divorce. Through her monthly workshop, “Divorce: A New Beginning,”
Cohen has helped people ages 19 to 78 through the painful process.
Money, sex, children and in-laws are what Cohen calls the “Big
Four,” the main reasons people fight. And stress intensifies any
problem.
The faltering U.S. economy and the war in Iraq has increased
stress levels among couples, Cohen said.
“With the world situation being what it is and with our lives
being so stressful, even without all the conflict in the world,” she
said, “I think our stress levels go up way more than we realize.”
With less disposable income, battles over money have become even
more charged. But a lot of the stress comes from feeling unsafe.
“Our sense of safety and security is definitely threatened,” she
said. “It affects our sense of equanimity, our mental calmness, our
bodies, we feel much more anxious. It is sort of a low-grade, subtle
level that just sort of simmers along.”
Kindness toward others starts with taking care of oneself. With an
increasingly rapid pace of life, Cohen said many people end up
harming themselves. Some destructive habits include smoking,
drinking, over-scheduling and hurting loved ones. Cohen said she
lives by the Hindu principle of nonviolence, Ahimsa, and that peace
starts on the inside.
Many couples come to Cohen after they have already reached a
crisis. She said the best time to work on a relationship is when it
is improving and both partners are willing. The worst time to come
for therapy is after the breakup.
“The person who has left thinks the grass is greener, and they are
separate enough from the marriage and spouse to be ready to explore
it,” she said. “Until that person finds out that the grass is not
greener, there is no couples work to be done because they are not
willing to try.”
A healthy marriage starts with friendship, she said. Ways to
improve a marriage include taking time for each other, communicating
regularly and simply being sweet.
“So often there is so little sweetness between people, and people
don’t even notice,” she said. “That just amazes me. Not that there is
not sweetness, but people don’t even notice it anymore.”
Sometimes the only solution is separation. In those cases, Cohen
helps people move through the trauma and mixed emotions that come
with divorce. She helps them understand how the marriage fell apart,
work through the grieving process and then move on.
Cohen said there may not be an ultimate solution until the real
enemy is defeated -- the ego.
“Man struggles with his ego,” she said. “It is universally true.
We are inherently programmed to see the world in terms of win-lose,
right-wrong, good-bad.”
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