Coral WilsonIt’s the same old story from...

Coral Wilson

It’s the same old story from cartoons and mythology: good versus

evil, right versus wrong. That’s not a good thing in any

relationship.

After 14 years of counseling couples out of her Newport Beach

office, Maxine Cohen said the human tendency to see the world in

terms of right and wrong is a source of recurring conflict among

couples, family members and even nations.

“I think people’s differentness scares us at some level, and what

we do is make them wrong, and we are right,” she said. “There can be

two rights.”

Fighting happens at all levels of human relationships. In a

marriage, Cohen said, a person’s identity may be threatened by subtle

differences, and small disagreements can be signs of perpetual

problems.

“Perpetual problems are about issues that run really deep --

hopes, dreams and wishes you have for yourself, ways in which you

identify yourself with the things that go on around you and how you

need to have your world,” she said.

While some problems are solvable, perpetual problems can lead to

divorce. Through her monthly workshop, “Divorce: A New Beginning,”

Cohen has helped people ages 19 to 78 through the painful process.

Money, sex, children and in-laws are what Cohen calls the “Big

Four,” the main reasons people fight. And stress intensifies any

problem.

The faltering U.S. economy and the war in Iraq has increased

stress levels among couples, Cohen said.

“With the world situation being what it is and with our lives

being so stressful, even without all the conflict in the world,” she

said, “I think our stress levels go up way more than we realize.”

With less disposable income, battles over money have become even

more charged. But a lot of the stress comes from feeling unsafe.

“Our sense of safety and security is definitely threatened,” she

said. “It affects our sense of equanimity, our mental calmness, our

bodies, we feel much more anxious. It is sort of a low-grade, subtle

level that just sort of simmers along.”

Kindness toward others starts with taking care of oneself. With an

increasingly rapid pace of life, Cohen said many people end up

harming themselves. Some destructive habits include smoking,

drinking, over-scheduling and hurting loved ones. Cohen said she

lives by the Hindu principle of nonviolence, Ahimsa, and that peace

starts on the inside.

Many couples come to Cohen after they have already reached a

crisis. She said the best time to work on a relationship is when it

is improving and both partners are willing. The worst time to come

for therapy is after the breakup.

“The person who has left thinks the grass is greener, and they are

separate enough from the marriage and spouse to be ready to explore

it,” she said. “Until that person finds out that the grass is not

greener, there is no couples work to be done because they are not

willing to try.”

A healthy marriage starts with friendship, she said. Ways to

improve a marriage include taking time for each other, communicating

regularly and simply being sweet.

“So often there is so little sweetness between people, and people

don’t even notice,” she said. “That just amazes me. Not that there is

not sweetness, but people don’t even notice it anymore.”

Sometimes the only solution is separation. In those cases, Cohen

helps people move through the trauma and mixed emotions that come

with divorce. She helps them understand how the marriage fell apart,

work through the grieving process and then move on.

Cohen said there may not be an ultimate solution until the real

enemy is defeated -- the ego.

“Man struggles with his ego,” she said. “It is universally true.

We are inherently programmed to see the world in terms of win-lose,

right-wrong, good-bad.”