Finally a family

Lolita Harper

The worn photos were always beautiful but along with color, they

lacked a personal connection.

Nancy Reaves could always look at the faces of her distant

Norwegian relatives but she could not recognize the life behind their

solemn stares. She couldn’t place where the barn stood in relation to

the river. She didn’t know the people or places that helped mold who

she is.

“All these pictures were up on a wall since I was a young girl and

I never knew who they were,” Reaves said.

In two weeks that will all change. Reaves will meet her Norwegian

family for the first time Aug. 8.

The Santa Ana Heights resident is cramming to learn Norwegian and

is anxious to try her grandfather’s favorite rice pudding dish. She

giddily bounces in her seat when talking about boarding a plane. And

excitedly points to a picture of the farm she will be staying on.

“It’s all coming together for me after all these years,” she said.

A FEARFUL BEGINNING

Reaves inherited the family photos when her grandfather passed

away. Her grandparents were the only relatives she knew. They helped

raise her and picked up the pieces when life would come tumbling

down.

Reaves and her sister, Jane, knew when they were younger as the

Nes sisters encountered, cruelty and mistreatment no child or adult

should be subjected to. Reaves is very open with her past, as she

moved on, and said she encountered mental, verbal, violent and sexual

abuse.

She tells her story without tears or shame. She tells her story of

surviving the demons that haunted her alcoholic mother, who would

whirl in and out of her life, always bringing a new forms of pain and

sorrow. Each time her mother would come in and swoop the girls up and

take them away, the grandparents would frantically search for them

and brace for the calm of the storm. When the mom would leave, they

would try to offset the trauma but despite their attempts at a normal

life, the family was always in hiding, Reaves said, hoping the mother

would not find them this time.

Because they lived in fear, the Nes family distance itself from

their Norwegian kin. And when her grandparents died, following the

deaths of both her father and mother, Reaves thought her only human

connection to those mysterious pictures died as well. She kept the

keepsakes and continued with life. Reaves moved to the beach, got

married, had children, fell in love with life and moved on. Every so

often she would sift through the pictures and wonder.

One photo in particular always grabbed her attention. The

porcelain face and dark lips of a beautiful young woman look intently

at Reaves.

“I knew I knew that face,” Reaves, 55, said. “This face was in my

memory of being at my grandfather’s house.”

An e-mail last year put a name to the face.

She almost deleted it when she first read it. Something about

distant relatives and inheritance. None of her family knew where she

was. Then a call came to her Costa Mesa home and after many questions

and many answers, she realized the man was legitimate. He set up an

account for the money and put her in touch with her cousins in

Norway.

“The money part was great but beyond that nothing could be greater

or more significant than inheriting my whole family,” Reaves said.

STILL A LITTLE GIRL

She and her husband Tim leave for Norway on Aug. 8. They will take

with them pictures of their five children, stories from their

childhoods and a lot of love. Nancy Reaves is in constant contact

with her cousins overseas and can’t wait to meet them. She never felt

completely validated until she made this connection, she said.

“And they all love me,” she said. “They are writing me and

e-mailing me all the time. They are taking the time to tell me about

their lives and ask about mine. They love me.”

The innocent gleam in her eye and her school-girl giddiness proves

her relatives will, in fact, meet that little girl they were kept

from. They will learn of her triumph and she will boast of her

family.

“I am a good mommy and a good wife,” Reaves said. “That is all I

want to be and everything I am good at. My life revolves around them

and protection.”

Everything in the Reaves home is a game of dress up. Yard sales,

family get-togethers, dinners, birthdays -- you name it and they are

in costume. It was her imagination that saved her from the harsh

realities of her traumatic childhood, Reaves said, and that fantasy

world plays a huge role in her reassuring reality.

“Personality was my winning way,” she said. “I learned to

overshadow all the negative with the positive, so now we have fun.”

But the biggest godsend in her life, she won’t have to explain. He

will be there, with her, sharing the life changing moment with his

wife.

“He is a great man who has kept it all together somehow,” Reaves

said of her husband Tim.

“She is so excited about going to Norway,” Tim Reaves said. “She

has researched and e-mailed and is just counting down the days.”

This is just another example of the miracles that await around

even the darkest corners, Reaves said.

“People who go, ‘Oh woe is me,’ need to get over it,” Reaves said.

“Put it behind you because it is what it is and guess what? It’s

over.”

And those who, thankfully, have not endured similar struggles

should realize their true good fortune.

“For all those people who have families and don’t appreciate them,

maybe they will take a second look,” Reaves said.

* LOLITA HARPER writes columns Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and

covers culture and the arts. She may be reached at (949) 574-4275 or

by e-mail at lolita.harper@latimes.com.