If you are having difficulty growing flowers...

If you are having difficulty growing flowers in your garden, my

suggestion is you purchase a copy of the movie “Freddy vs. Jason” and

bury it about a foot beneath what you are trying to grow. Based on

its content, this movie should make good fertilizer.

The premise of “Freddy vs. Jason” is a sort of cool idea that

sounds like something from a comic book. Both Freddy and Jason are

horror movie legends. You can’t really kill either of them. No matter

what happens, they just keep coming for you. So who would win if they

fought each other? Good luck trying to sit through this mess to find

the answer. The clear-cut loser is anyone who forked out nine bucks.

The Freddy Krueger “Nightmare on Elm Street” films were primarily

a showcase for Wes Craven’s spectacular special effects. In between

witty quips from Robert Englund (Freddy), we saw some movie magic

that was mind-blowing for its time. Craven’s surrealistic imagery

made these movies into irresistible mental junk food.

The Jason “Friday the 13th” movies were just variations on the

shower scene in “Psycho” without characters or a story. Topless women

are hacked to death by a killer wearing a hockey mask. Jason’s

trademark is his lumbering, yet relentless, pursuit of a horrified

victim. The idea was to create scenes that remind the viewer of a

nightmare where the dreamer is endlessly pursued by a faceless

attacker.

“Freddy vs. Jason” doesn’t deliver any of the appealing aspects of

the Freddy or Jason movies. Englund still has charisma, but the

conflict with the silent Jason doesn’t give Freddy much of a chance

to spout off any memorable zingers. Jason is never given the

opportunity stalk a person one on one. Craven’s twisted imagery is no

where to be seen. There’s no suspense. All we get is 60 minutes of

inane dialogue between talentless performers and a 20-minute fight

that never delivers what it should.

You know a movie is really bad when the characters keep repeating

the storyline to each other. It’s as though the writers decided that

we can’t figure out this simplistic garbage on our own and that we

need to be constantly reminded of the things the characters have

already said and done.

This begs an obvious question. Who’s the target audience for this

movie? What audience needs the characters to keep repeating the plot

out loud to make sure it is understood?

The answer is children. Despite its R rating, the target market

for “Freddy vs. Jason” is clearly pre-teen and early teen boys.

Theaters are making a token effort to exclude underage children from

seeing the movie unescorted, but we all know who wins the battle

between morals and economics.

The most interesting aspect of this movie was looking at the

audience. The decapitations and stabbings got virtually no response.

When a character had to perform mouth-to-mouth to try to save a

disfigured person, people moaned and shrieked. It’s funny how a kiss

can be more frightening than gallons of blood spurting everywhere.

It’s also funny how some parents cover their children’s eyes to

prevent them from seeing a naked female breast, but don’t care about

their kids seeing graphic murders.

If your son begs to see this movie, don’t waste your money. Take

him to see “Seabiscuit,” instead. He’ll thank you when he gets older.

If you decide you want to scare the pants off of him, rent Wes

Craven’s “The Serpent and the Rainbow.”

* JIM ERWIN, 40, is a technical writer and computer trainer.

‘Friday’ remake

is a delight

Jamie Lee Curtis makes the preposterous events entertaining in

“freaky Friday.”

She plays Tess, the mother trapped in her daughter’s body with the

delight of a prankster. Watching her change from wearing dull pant

suits to dressing like Stevie Nicks lets the audience see from the

look in her eyes that she has the perception of a teenager and is

completely oblivious to how she looks. And that’s part of the fun of

the film. That’s also how Curtis plays her part throughout the movie.

In two days, Tess will be getting married, again. While trying to

juggle career, family and wedding plans Tess asks for help from her

15-year-old daughter Anna (Lindsey Johan.) Using school work and band

rehearsals as an excuse, Anna refuses because she disapproves of her

mother remarrying so quickly.

While having dinner at their favorite Chinese restaurant Anna

tells her mom about an upcoming band audition. Unfortunately it’s at

the same time as the family wedding rehearsal party in 24 hours. The

mother and daughters heated exchange over the matter catches the

attention of the eavesdropping and meddlesome owner’s mother. The

woman decides that Tess and Anna have a life lesson to learn and

casts a spell on the unsuspecting mother and daughter that causes

them to switch places.

It is a remake of the 1976 film starring Jodie Foster and Barbara

Harris.

Supporting characters and storylines such as the younger brother

constantly getting his sister into trouble enhance the silly antics,

along with sticky romantic situations and the creative ways the

mother and daughter wiggle out of them makes “Freaky Friday” is good

family fun.

* PEGGY J. ROGERS, 40, produces commercial videos and

documentaries.