Doors open, for now

Deirdre Newman

Sally Kanarek’s sister went from an abusive family to an abusive

husband. She committed suicide when she was 23, leaving behind two

children.

Still reeling from the pain, Kanarek became a volunteer with

Teenage Survivors of Suicide. She was 24 at the time.

“I learned most who had attempted suicide had been abused,”

Kanarek said. “The stories were so similar to my own family.”

Through her volunteering, she became more interested in child

abuse and its repercussions. She felt that not enough was being done

to help the families where child abuse occurred over the long-term.

Like many visionaries, she started working in her garage in

Huntington Beach in 1985. Her efforts blossomed into a non-profit

called Parent Help USA, now located in Costa Mesa.

But the agency that tries to help others is in dire need of help

itself as it tries to raise enough money to stay afloat. Kanarek is

operating the agency on a budget of $60,000 in space donated by

landlord Richard Dick. The organization has moved four times in the

last six years and now its current property -- at 330 W. Bay St. next

door to the Daily Pilot offices -- is slated to be torn down to make

way for housing, thrusting Kanarek once again into the difficult

position of finding an affordable location.

The lack of funds has forced Parent Help USA to close its food

bank and stop offering classes. Kanarek, as the only paid employee,

has given up more than half her salary, as she feverishly writes

grants asking for more funding.

“I have faith it will come through,” Kanarek said.

In the meantime, the agency is trying to continue as best it can

to prevent child abuse and keep families together.

According to a new promotional video for Parent Help USA, there

are 84,000 cases of child abuse under supervision every day in L.A.

and Orange counties and each day in the U.S., five to 12 children are

murdered by their parent or caretaker.

When it first started, Parent Help catered to mothers who were

medically fragile, terminally ill and teenagers.

“I felt they were most at risk for abuse because they didn’t have

the resources,” Kanarek said.

Based on the huge number of calls she received from social workers

about abusive parents, she started offering parenting classes. But

she refused to charge for them because she knows her clients would

need the money for basic survival items like gas and food.

The classes encouraged parents to take care of themselves first

because abusive tendencies could come from fatigue, she explained.

“Do nothing except enjoy being a human being instead of a human

doing,” Kanarek said. “There’s no shame in that for parents to say

they need time to rest and relax.”

These days, in addition to pounding the pavement for funding,

Kanarek is trying to help a 22-year-old who was in and out of foster

homes, and is now in the Santa Ana Jail trying to turn his life

around. He was arrested for possession of stolen mail.

Sean Comer was taken away from his parents in Huntington Beach

when he was nine because of the hazardous living environment he was

exposed to. For the next nine years, he bounced around from one

foster home to another with frequent visits to juvenile hall. He

ditched school and began smoking marijuana.

“It was an easy way to make money and stay high,” he said. “I

think I stayed high so I didn’t have to face reality. It was an easy

way out.”

Along the way, he became a skinhead, picking up various tattoos

based on who he was hanging out with. The tattoos are now a reminder

of his wayward past, a past he would like to transform into a more

stable future.

“I can’t do anything with [the tattoos],” Comer said. “No matter

how much schooling [I have] or how I act, I can’t be a productive

member of society now.

Kanarek is trying to find a doctor to donate his or her services

to remove the tattoos.

“He needs a break and people don’t give breaks to people with

angry tattoos” Kanarek said. “It’s a way to turn the clock back and

start over.”

Comer eventually obtained his G.E.D. and has participated in

Narcotics Anonymous. He has been drug-free since he landed in jail

about six months ago. He also has a 19-month-old daughter, who he has

only seen once.

Kanarek sent him a book called the Impact of a Man on his Family.

Comer has been reading it and has taken its message to heart. He has

even been passing it around the jail.

“If I had known that [stuff] growing up, it would have been a lot

different,” Comer said.

While Comer said he still feels like part of what happened to his

family was his fault, Kanarek reassured him that it isn’t.

“All this is because your parents let you down,” she said as she

hugged him during a recent visit.

Comer said he is grateful for Kanarek’s help and for her

organization.

“I think Sally’s great,” he said. ‘I think it’s good trying to

help parents, instead of taking kids away.”

The agency also offers parenting support groups with counseling by

licensed professionals, but because of the budget crunch, the

counseling is now only offered to individuals, Kanarek said.

One program that is still intact is the Parent Aide, a home

visitor program where aides work with parents of at-risk infants and

children. They also serve families living in motels.

Through the years, Kanarek estimates that her agency has helped

thousands of families. In 2000, it was recognized with the Life

Achievement Excellence Award in public policy from the California

Assn. of Nonprofits.

She is also working to get state legislation passed for K-12

students that would make children aware of abuse so it could be

discovered at earlier stages. Currently, all the laws involve

reacting to abuse after it is discovered, which is usually too late,

Kanarek said.

“They would learn that hitting isn’t appropriate and inappropriate

touching is unhealthy because a lot of children live with that and

don’t even know that’s not the way they should be taken care of,”

Kanarek said.

Kanarek said she hopes people in Orange County realize what a

serious and pervasive problem child abuse is.

“People don’t realize that their help matters whether we’ll be

here to help another family or not,” Kanarek said. “They think it’s

optional or superfluous, that it’s not absolutely necessary to the

services that children and families need and it is.”

* DEIRDRE NEWMAN covers Costa Mesa and may be reached at (949)

574-4221 or by e-mail at deirdre.newman@latimes.com.